I have a price.

Fishing lessons.
Riding a horse fast or far.
Camping again.

Ridiculous of me to put these trivial things first.

Ridiculous of men to say I'm their sun, their moon, their starlit night, and refuse to give them to me.

/3

want to learn to hunt.

He wants me with him. He makes me feel beautiful. He had my favorite flowers flown in.

But, he knows how to ride horses fast & he will not teach me.

My father would be proud of me for resisting this latest offer. He taught me to be a woman without a price.

But,
2/

I sort of dated the best guide in Southeast Alaska. There were meteors. Incredible passion. (Not sex, I thought I should wait.) But, he would not teach me to fish. It almost broke me.

Lately, a man as accidentally intense as I am started to make me forget the first man who ever made me

1/

But he's heartbroken because I don't want him to go to Tchaikovsky with me.

He hated Handel's Messiah. It was boring. "I mean, have you heard it?"

"Yes, I have."

I don't need to tie him down to a chair for 3 hrs. It isn't the same as my ex refusing to go. My ex was a mentally ill cellist.

2/

Just picked up a new book and it’s incredible. This Haida designers work transforms fashion and regalia into cultural storytelling. From dresses and jackets to traditional button robes and business wear, she’s one of the first Indigenous designers to merge formline design with high fashion.

Been a while since there has been a white raven or white moose spotted either!

The title is so perfect.

The empty chair is good. It could have been so much worse. I could have been sitting next to a married man while my heart was breaking.

Now, I won't be broken. Just alone.

In a dress that shows off my ass a bit. ;-)

/14

next to me will be a comfort.

It is a great compliment to be invited-- at 56-- to be the mistress of a man of his warmth, humor, and accomplishments. It hurt a bit to say no.

13/

a public school setting. But those also miss the point.

You shouldn't have sex with someone you don't intend to love for a good long time. Your biology isn't made for it.

Well, mine isn't.

So, I'm going to the symphony alone again. I bought a second ticket. But, I think the empty chair

12/

the cupid of prolactin and oxytocin as he held me in his arms would have made me want no one else.

I am teaching sex ed again this year. And I'm fairly certain that there will be no mention of this. We have religious ideas that sex before marriage is wrong. And those can't come into

11/

dopamine & norepinephrine.

That if our tentative plans had turned into a date-- to the symphony or a hike in the mountains, or both as is my new and lonely plan-- he was perfectly capable of causing that particular flood of oxytocin, vasopressin, and endorphins in me.

That after that,

10/

the boat. Because I would have fallen in love with him. &, this would have hurt much more.

Strange that this was non-obvious to him. Like love & sex are separate. Or could be.

As a medical professional, I thought he'd get that the limerence we'd experienced was powered by

9/

Wives do not need explanations. Having been one for 33 years, I can offer this as my professional opinion.

I wasn't exactly angry. Just felt a bit like getting the wind knocked out of me. Almost the same physical sensation.

I told him that I was glad we hadn't acted on our attraction on

8/

it was a mere statement of fact, in his medical opinion and he'd hope the administration had gone easy on him.

Nothing physical happened. But there was heat. And texting after. And tentative plans for meeting.

But then, he had to "explain" about his wife...

7/

He prefers to read medical journals. I'd never have to explain to a man like that that I wanted to do math for a relaxing weekend in the mountains.

And when I related the recent anecdote about a senior getting in trouble for telling me "Nice ass." at school, he told me that

6/

top schools as kids. He was a kid from Providence who'd never heard of Brown in his inner-city life until they admitted him. And I asked my Dad, "MIT? What's MIT?" when they started to recruit me.

He hadn't seen a movie in decades. Because he likes what he does.

5/

or displeasing. He found me charming. Charming.

It turned into an invitation to dinner and drinks. Fantastic conversation. I didn't have to pretend to be less smart or interested in anything. And, he was smart and interesting as well.

We'd had similar transitions from working class to

4/

So, I turned to the random stranger (who had checked me out when I'd stood up to plug my phone in while we ate) and said with a smile, "Do you know who Robert Bork is?"

He smiled and said with disbelief, "The Supreme Court nominee from the 80's?" And he laughed.

He didn't find me perplexing

3/

tables facing the view in silence.

And, I was angry about Robert Bork. Not only did he destroy American capitalism, he'd ruined my first date singe the divorce. That gentleman had been perplexed & displeased when I'd honestly answered his, "What are you thinking about?" with economics.

2/

TL;DR-- People are doing sex wrong. Apparently.

I knew that I didn't have a date for the symphony by the time I bought the tickets. But I wasn't happy about it.

I had no intention of hitting on him. But we'd eaten almost our entire breakfast seated next to each other at 2 single
1/

Hunh. Just got lectured by some white people about how the Unangax people I served were wrong to hold on to their Russian Orthodox faith.

Must send word back immediately: "White people say you are decolonizing wrong!"

I love the look in your eyes! That's the best part.

And, I have hopes that there will be nothing worse than a yellow flag (and no jellyfish) so that I can swim in the ocean at the end of the day tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I will pack up the things that I am taking with me from the kitchen of what was our marital home.

I'm often overly dramatic. But, it is more than symbolically the end of "hearth and home," and I promised to keep them 34 years ago this August. So, a sad day.

But, Sitka on Thursday!

“There’s a lot of things wrong with this country, but one of the few things still right with it is that a man can steer clear of the organized bullshit if he really wants to. It’s a goddamned luxury, and if I were you, I’d take advantage of it while you can.”

— Hunter S Thompson

Nice! I might ask you for some help as I go. I'm trying to clear the decks of some other projects so that I can dive in on this one. Might be Christmas before I get there.

System Dynamics will be a major focus. Reviewing that now.

I have peace-- and real happiness.

Punctuated by crying jags. :-)

All is well. It does help to write about it.