I want to be reincarnated as a cat so I can give my humans the most evil stink eye and then lick my butt and somehow they will see this as a sign of love and admiration.

And on this day she had the attention span of a gnat...

I miss Rowdy Rowdy Piper

Somebody needs to look out for us people that trip up stairs...

And today I will put on pants...

maybe

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

I've updated my terms & conditions.

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lie there.

people who don’t want the government to interfere with their lives are the same people who want the government to interfere with the lives of everyone else

Typing “general bad vibes” into WebMD.

Doing a lot of guy stuff today, doing my dude diligence.

Sorry I called your baby a “cursed object”

Could you kindly check your calendar and let me know when you might be in the mood for my bullshit?

I look forward to your timely response.

Salon sign reads “Guaranteed Shorter Hair.”

“Meeting expectations since 1994.”

A coward hides behind their rights.

A hero fights for other people's rights.

The back of your head is flat because your parents didn't love you.

Me: Hey let's hang out

Friend who watches too much true crime: WHY?!? SO YOU CAN BUTCHER ME LIKE A PIG AND TIE MY ENTRAILS INTO THE SHAPE OF A PENTAGRAM?!?!

Me: uhh no, just like go see a movi....

Friend: JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU'LL BURY MY BONES!!!!

You ever just want to row, row, row your boat with the homies?

This is the energy I want to project on Bluesky.

Someone's gonna get fucking loved around here it might as well be you

Sometimes I fantasize about getting taken hostage by a criminal gang of grandmothers. Just being well fed and released with new socks, some hard candy and a pocketful of quarters.

As a form of punishment I will be subjecting my teenagers to reruns of Baywatch...

You guys, does the funny come back after kids move out?

Me: spring, still coming early?

Spring: new phone who dis?

Someday I will be the trash panda of your dreams

I want to be Matthew McConaughey when I grow up...

Dressing for my dream job is harder than I imagined...I am not getting the love I expected in this inflatable dinosaur costume

bastards

I want Calgon to take me away...