[gentle voice] babe. babe, wake up- i made you some hotel room coffee with sink water

When Kristi Noem enters a dog adoption center.

I think we're just one medical conspiracy away from people blaming diseases on Witches and Vampires again.

[hearing police sirens in the distance] omg babe they're playing our song

When I was little, my mom used to come home from work, go straight to her room, and lie down by herself in the dark. I get it now.

[Christian Bale Batman grabbing and yelling at Kermit the Frog]

"THE RAINBOW CONNECTION?!? WHERE IS IT?!?"

Where the fuck are people finding all this "footage"?

Scotty, beam me the fuck outta here!

When a women tells me her name, I always follow up with, "Oh, like the cheese?" no matter what her name is.

YouTube: Fewer ad breaks for this long video.

Me: LIAR!

Car pool means something completely different to the ultra rich.

That would be awesome - I can't wait to see the changes he'd make to the Pope Mobile.

I think Nathan Lane would be a fabulous pope…

an indie escort service called death cab for booty.

wearing my best sweatpants to this job interview because I don’t want to seem unapproachable

[1513 BC]

kid: I don’t have to follow your stupid rules. it’s not like they’re written in stone

Moses: what

My investment in doomsday clocks is looking pretty savvy.

traditionally, one of the strongest negotiating positions is when the entire world viscerally hates you

PRO TIP: if you run out of peanut butter just chew up a bunch of peanuts and spit it onto your bread

Take THAT, Penguins.

Not to get political, but our planet is spherical, we've been to the moon, and the earth is approximately 4.5 billion years old.

Y'all better start using the English words for taco, burrito, nachos, and enchiladas before you're sent to a slave labor prison in El Salvador.

sorry i yelled crouching tiger hidden dragon when you fell down the stairs

I'm starting to think that the "great America" they long for is Pleasantville before Tobey Maguire and Reese Witherspoon showed up.

General Eisenhower: ⛈️⏳️🪂💣💥

President Roosevelt: Well, damn! Ike says we have to postpone D-Day because of bad weather.

All I know is, I ordered a diet Pepsi at Taco Bell, asked them to hold the ice, and the next thing I know, I'm in an El Salvadoran prison asking Red to smuggle in a rock hammer.

White Supremacy

Now there's a contradiction in terms....

*Aliens land on the Whitehouse lawn*

Alien: Invasion? No, this is an intervention.

Can't wait for the order to extradite Andy Dufresne from Mexico.