I'm kind of a *big deal.

*big problem

“Find someone who…”

Me: No.

One thing about me is I’m gonna lay down

you've got two wolves inside of you

for god's sake call 911

Shaving in your 20s, him: Oh, shit. So we're doing that tonight, huh?

Shaving in your late 30s, him: I'm glad you did that. That one chin hair was starting to develop its own personality.

god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the power to make people shit their pants in public

due to personal reasons i will be disappearing into the woods never to be seen again.

cereal is the most powerful food cause can be eaten as any meal or as a snack

I’ll never be as happy as when the school janitor would throw the lost balls off the roof during recess

Waze: Arrival Time

Me: Time to Beat

Me taking a picture of zebras at the zoo: I think these QR codes are broken

Make someone's day and leave them the fuck alone

~Inspirational Skeet~

Got a new phone. Now, I have to teach it how to curse all over again. Ducking hell.

i’ve never held a cup of coffee in two hands like everyone on tv does AITA ?

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! l'm so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it's my husband...

Beaker as Kehlani on the cover of NME magazine.

muppets on the cover of nme magazine: thread

Beauty tip: Drink water and swing on anyone who disrespects you

Just want to astonish you with my bullshit.

Please don't call me big sexy. It implies that I'm big. And sexy. I am NOT sexy.

Gettin real tired of people thinking I'm cute when I'm angry.

BREAKING: All news is shit, let other people listen to it and you go eat some ice cream

I just want to be wealthy enough to have yoo-hoo on tap

Cocaine so white it got mad over a dumb joke format

a man with a feather boa around his neck says wooooooo ALT: a man with a feather boa around his neck says wooooooo

There's an owl outside my window and he 100% sounds like Rick Flair.

My patience is like a gift card. Not sure how much is left on it but we can give it a try.

14 muscles are activated when you pour a cup of coffee. Fitness is my passion.

No need to argue when you’re right, just let them be wrong.

You just wrote my biography