I want to be an assassin for hire but I also want to work from home, dilemma

I might be financially poor but I am rich in kitty snuggles

threw my back out pumping up the jam

I’m kind of like if you mixed vodka and…

that’s it, I’m kind of like vodka

Burn it all the fuck down!

I hope everyone around me knows that if I get even a little bit quiet, I am mad at them, but I will deny it if asked and then be even quieter.

MAGA deserves an entire chapter in the DSM-6.

Did your score go up?

That’s so fucked. They just want us in debt permanently.

The credit bureau is insane. My score went down 7 points for an increase of usage of my cards. Not balance—- usage. I pay my credit cards twice a month.

The fun thing about waking up from nightmares is knowing that out there somewhere, someone is pissed off at me for owing me money

Our enemies aren't in Iran
They're in the EPSTEIN FILES

A YES vote on April 21 doesn’t kill Virginia’s redistricting commission — it just lets the legislature respond to what Texas ＆ Florida already did to our maps.
Fair fight. Limited time.
Then the commission takes over again in 2031.

#VirginiaVoteYes
#USDemocracy #Voices4Victory

"Why don't Americans-" The ruling class of America has intentionally disempowered its citizens spread across 3,000+ miles of land and then funded the police force as an occupying army that happily murders anyone who opposes them and imprisons whoever is left as slave laborers. So phone calls it is

Cheese sauce (gross cheese sauce even) is NOT “melted cheese,” and trying to explain that putting cold shredded cheese on my nachos is not okay is making me feel insane.

Asking my magic grapefruit if I’m poor

I asked my cats about you. They scowled in disapproval.

It’s the end of the world and I (don’t) feel fine.

insulating myself from the rise in fuel costs by running my car on Alpo

That's classified happiness.

This day in history. 1879. Bolivia declared war on Chile so Chile declared war on Peru that's just how we do things in the western hemisphere.

The emperor has no clothes.

Time for the #25thAmendment. Congress and the Cabinet must act.

The superfluous sureness of sometimes

Such a heathen I couldn’t figure out what holiday people were referring to when first reading an email this morning.

Don't feel bad, there are entire galaxies also spiraling out of control.

Fair enough.

The gum in my car isn’t frozen anymore. Spring has sprung.

This is true, but there’s nothing I can do about that.

🙌❤️