Thinking of Mel Brooks today for some reason. Hope he’s feeling well.

The last time I cheered for a Pope was when he made eating hot dogs on Friday okay.

This is real?

Diner breakfasts with friends are always the best meals of the day.

Plans to build a moon settlement have been updated from earlier ones.

They took out the Blockbuster Video Store.

June 6th, Avenel NJ!

Congress.
You have 2 weeks to get your asses back to DC and impeach, convict and lock him up.
#Doyourjob

There's still time to Article 25 him.

Hoping TACO
lives up to his reputation again tonight.

I jumped off a curb today.
I love parkour.

8 million people out yesterday for the love of liberty and democracy. Not one riot. No tear gas was used. No police were injured, and the Capitol wasn't stormed and looted.

But we made our point. November is coming whether they want it or not.

You did good today, America!❤️

Someone said to me that they'd like to see the ocean from "the other side," and I replied,
"you'll drown down there."

Hey did anybody get their $2,000 back from Boo Boo yet? Just checking.

This morning, I'm smiling knowing that when Kristi "Sure Shot" Noem woke up, it was with the stark and desperate realization that all she had left to look forward to was Corey Lewandowski

This is one of those days when I realize how little I've evolved as a member of my species.

I just spent 15 minutes trying to pick up a pencil with my toes.

March didn't come in as a lion or a lamb.
It just sort of stood here looking confused.

Today I'm celebrating an unsung hero. Nicolas Appert, who invented a way to can fish in 1810.

Without him, we'd be carrying loose tuna salad to work in our pants pockets.

I salute you, Mr. Appert.

#themoreyouknow

If I call a business and someone answers the phone, their chances of me hiring them go up by about 80%.

If they are polite, add another 10%

If they do a good job, they get another 9%

I left off 1%, because I'm not happy unless I can bitch about something.

I made it through almost an hour of last night’s episode of
“The Fool on the Hill.”

On the tariff refund.
Cut me a check for $638,592. 45 and we’ll be square.

In anticipation of Snowmageddon, officials have announce they are dispersing 1 carrot, 2 twigs and 12 rocks for emergency snowman building, effective immediately.

#TheMoreYouSnow

Whenever the mail delivery person drives away from my house, my abandonment issues all rise to the surface.

It's worse on Sunday,

I've questioned the existence of supreme beings with the exception of Diana Ross, Florence Ballard, and Mary Wilson.

For those of you who find diversity in our society disturbing, consider this...

There's at least a 147 different ways to make baba ganoush.

So put that in your Pita and eat it.

Say "I love you" on Valentine's day and then get drunk a month later on St. Patrick's day when you realize that person is bat shit crazy and you made a terrible mistake.

Where does the Grade “B”
Butter
Go?

It's Valentine's Day!
When I set up a lawn chair in the Supermarket and watch the men scramble to get the last of the flowers, chocolate and greeting cards.

In all honesty, even if the halftime show HAD been in English, he still wouldn’t have understood it.

I heard he was pissed about the halftime show.
5 ketchup bottle night.
Well done, Bad Bunny.