A 68 year old lady's mugshot. She explains she was arrested for trying to sneak drugs into Canada and still tries to sell her marry Kay makeup

If you see this, post something you saved bc you thought it was funny

nothing to make you value your life and feel fully alert like hydroplaning like 150 feet in a blind tidal wave from a truck on the highway

is it a coincidence that 4/20 lands during lesbian visibility week? yes but buy a lesbian some weed anyway

Remembering how a fresh pack of smokes smelled, sitting on a porch with a decent beer on a spring evening, discussing philosophy 7 drinks in, and how the world still felt full of untapped potential at 4am on May 10, 2006

I heard a trucker talking to a dj on the radio. He said truckers everywhere are bummed no one does the "honk your horn" arm gesture anymore. I'm going to start doing it again rn

I think it’s rude that whenever the Predator shows up and super kills a hundred people using space weapons someone always has to be the guy to call him an ugly motherfucker because there’s plenty to criticize without getting into that

I don’t care how healthy they are, Barbara, I cannot risk putting my hand in my purse and pulling out a handful of rotten banana again

Still from the first Lord of the Rings movie showing Saruman speaking to Gandalf with text that reads "Your love of the halfling's leaf has clearly slowed your mind."

fuck you man

Your honor, I'd like to use the "I know you are but what am I" defense

Went to Buffalo and was disappointed to discover all the gals in town were human

a photo i took of two discarded toilets (toilet seats removed) facing one another on a sidewalk in front of a cinder block wall.

cathedrals everywhere for those with eyes to see

I don't ask for much but if science can find a way for me to revert into a goo state every evening it would help a lot with this bursitis

Sure, I like opera. Who doesn’t like a fat guy wearing a tablecloth singing about pasta

Maybe puking my heart into my hands and washing it off in the sink with a mild soap will help

guy who doesn't understand the people saying they're in "dire straits" mean they need help, not that they are members of the band Dire Straits

Come over and help me eat these air-fried hot dogs (you don't get to eat any, you're helping ME eat them by shoving them in my mouth after awkwardly slapping one on my forehead)

I'll help you feel more at home with a nice grilled cheese and gummy worm sandwich and Trolli hamburgers with real pickles on the side

My mom used to tell my sister and I to "use [our] magic" to help her find good spots to park, and we'd tremble with concentration and effort whilst waving our bubble wands. Using the magic of children for convenient parking seems frivolous and exploitative. I'm running for senate

Look, I can either turn down the Devo OR put on pants. Not both. Now, what can I help you with, officer?

I appreciate when Harry Belafonte sings "okay, I believe you" in Jump In the Line because as a child, I asked for help a lot to a calypso beat and it's nice to feel validated by an adult

amazon advertisement for a foam wedge pillow by a brand called Koriva it is described as: "Ergonomic Memory Foam Wedge Pillow, 27° Angled Support for Waist and Neck Multi-Position Comfort Support (Black)" a blonde white woman is posing on the pillow in a suggestive way as though in preparation for sex with her head down, her rear raised, knees tucked up and facing away from the camera. her hair is tied in a bun and she is wearing what looks like a lacy purple nightie and black fishnets it has a 5.0 rating from 22 reviewers

babe wake up, i got us—i mean i got you a present! yanno…for your back pain

It just seems strange that the only organ that has strings you could pull is your heart.

Gross, 2nd hand endorphins.

math nerds celebrate on 1/5

In an agricultural setting, statistically it only takes 2% rotten apples in a barrel to ruin the whole damn thing.
So stop telling me about the other 98% of cops.

I guess if babies were born with teeth there is a chance those mean fuckers would eat themselves right out of there, huh?

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it's a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

Me: ...at the time we lived in a gay neighborhood

12YO: "Gay neighborhood?"

15YO: It's a neighborhood that's attracted to another neighborhood of the same gender

ok, so Helsinki is not in Hell's Kitchen, which makes no sense

"Exclamation mark," I say dryly into my speech-to-text message.