It’s “ceasefire” not “sees fire”.

I just wanted to clarify that.

Her: “I love your cologne. What is it?”

Me: “Icy Hot.”

CBS plans to air Comics Unleashed after Cobert ends, which is ironic because I thought CBS liked to keep their comics leashed.

How refreshing to see actual astronauts in space for a change.

Remember when the biggest concern was the price of eggs? Good times.

Remember when everyone was preemptively celebrating Betty White’s 100th birthday and then she died just before it?

What if we’re doing the same thing with America’s 250th birthday?

Not to brag, but I don’t need to watch the State of the Union to know the state of the union.

I bet in a parallel universe things are awesome.

*me, watching Lindsey Vonn crash at the Olympics*

“I could’ve done that.”

Sarcasm is my love language.

Hot take on the Muppet Show reboot:

The Muppets all lip sync better than Sabrina Carpenter.

Did Phil Collins see his shadow?

People in red polo shirts and khakis are my Target audience.

I say this with all sincerity, WTF?

People in red polo shirts and khakis are my Target audience.

*Jack Nicholson voice*

This country needs an enema.

Can’t wait for “Melania 2: Electric Boogaloo”!

Can’t wait for “Melania 2: Electric Boogaloo”!

Ask your doctor if January is right for you.

Read the room?

Is there an audiobook version available?

(boss pulling me aside) I need you to stop saying Lucky whenever anyone calls out sick

my work here is dung

I didn't realize this antidepressant has a side effect of a positive outlook. Gross!

I wonder if my high school fake ID is eligible for retirement yet.

They can't all barely make sense, some have no sense at all

you can do a colonoscopy at home with a plumbing snake

Chocolate, sex, and laughter are all important elements to maintaining a healthy brain.

Monday: *exists*

Me: Every week with this fucking guy.

Poets and nurses are domestic terrorists?

Better watch out for pastors and florists.

the monster under my bed polished my toenails while I was asleep