it must be nice being able to blame your horrible personality on an astrological sign

sure Spring is lovely but have you seen a blooming onion? truly, mother nature at her finest

If we all work together, we can make sure the World Cup is an absolutely embarrassing failure for the rich people who care about it.

Two of the astronauts tried to get back in the capsule.

When a person loses 1 sense the others are heightened. That's why people who have no sense of humor have an amazing sense of self-importance.

Getting kind of burnt out on "everything sucking all of the time" to be quite honest with you.

We have penetrated Florida.

born to feel bad,
forced to sometimes pretend like i feel okay just so I'm employable

it used to be that you only had to catch up on the horrors two or three times a day but then they said oh no no no that’s not enough horrors

i will do ridiculous things for money for example today i will use some of my life force to answer emails

I justify my bad attitude by assuming most people are racist against sexy.

Will you stand idly by?

Me: I mean, yeah probably.

You obviously didn’t have very good dreams if you were able to achieve them.

waking up first thing in the morning and frantically checking my bank account to make sure i’m still not a billionaire

God how I love posting near midnight in the pacific time zone thus guaranteeing zero engagement. It’s better than not having sex

If you’re going to be alive, you might as well be incredible.

Rich people have dogs that live better lives than you.

#nspirational

Love is blind. Hate is deaf. You'd think stupid would be mute, but I just keep talking.

It’s not a party, it’s a disappointment flash mob.

Physiologically, your body can not tell difference between the feeling of joy and the feeling of diabetes.

can’t wait to alienate all the new people I’m gonna meet this weekend

When confronted by a mountain lion, stay calm, shout "BAD LION" and show your cock.