“One-handed circus catch by WR8” is the most Ohio State Spring Game-coded commentary yet

THE SITUATIONAL: Until the Real Thing Comes Along Ohio State in 2026 will finally have a dedicated offensive coordinator, defensive coordinator, special teams coordinator and coaches for each position group. College football is on notice.

The Situational returns to preview the 2026 Ohio State spring game, featuring...wait, who are these guys?

THE SITUATIONAL: Until the Real Thing Comes Along Ohio State in 2026 will finally have a dedicated offensive coordinator, defensive coordinator, special teams coordinator and coaches for each position group. College football is on notice.

Wrote about life before instant gratification

PROGRAMMING NOTE: Spring Situational, 1:15pm ET @elevenwarriors.com

Perfect Strangers Current Michigan shooting guard Nimari Burnett is older than Jaxon Smith-Njigba, whom Ohio State got one meaningful season out of in college. What type of player should programs prioritize?

Wish I could say I wrote about Balki Bartokomous and Cousin Larry, but that would have been deemed "out of scope"

the day I turned off notifications forever. "Chelsea Clinton liked your tweet" etc etc okay okay it's time to spend more time outside

today I also soft-launched Jaxon Smith-Vnilla as a nickname for OSU freshman WR Brock Boyd, we'll see if it has legs

Hang On, Sloppy: Every Day is April Fools Julian Sayin did not adopt 39 dogs from a New York shelter. The basketball program does not have a 70-year old ball boy. And the swim team isn't adopting cheeky bikini uniforms.

Today is April 1st. I wrote about AI slop.

PROGRAMMING NOTE: Every hour of every day is April 1 now. 1:15pm ET @elevenwarriors.com

[to the tune of Girls On Film]

My own contribution: Tom’s Diner, by Suzanne Vega. I would flip the moment she starts babbling

stars we could reach were just starfish on the beach

for the Ozempic jingle, we’ve included “Magic” by Pilot. It’s the best we can do here in Gitmo

Anyone who nominated, “anything by [band]” got their most popular song added to the list. Multiple nominations (eg RHCP, the Kars4Kids jingle) didn’t get duplicate entries. Just play that song again while you’re waterboarding yourself

Some absolute bangers in these mentions. Anyway, I went ahead turned this discussion into a playlist for your next gathering: open.spotify.com/playlist/5yK...

that's right

A Beautiful Distraction What if there was a way to expand March Madness without adding any new teams? Surprise, sports fans - there is.

I wrote about Ronald Reagan getting shot

Four Reasons Why "How did Ohio State lose twice with these guys on the roster?" Just say you didn't watch the games. It's more dignified.

Channeled from the final exam scene of Rodney Dangerfield's Back to School

PROGRAMMING NOTE: The NFL Combine was a healthy dose of confirmation bias. 1:15pm ET @elevenwarriors.com

Charlie Brown had hoes

boy this got me

Crying at sports again 🏒

All the Light We Cannot See Ohio State's football program is expected to win every single game. What's the standard for men's basketball?

I wrote about basketball lol

Kings of Confidence CJ Stroud is still the only high school recruit to start for more than one season under Ryan Day. This fall, Julian Sayin will become the second.

Wrote about Ohio State’s returning starter at QB, which has become a very small club over the past decade

If that would have counted the over would have hit. In this game.

and now the Seahawks intros are set to Alice In Chains, people are already calling this the best Super Bowl ever

or just play the unedited version of American Idiot, absolutely phenomenal 15/10

anything from the catalog that’s got like one inch of depth to it that will soar over every single red hat