"How Do You Avoid Hitting People With Your Car" pocket guide. Instructs readers to Watch the Road and Slow Down. Further text humorously insists that watching the road and slowing down are indeed important.

Everyone is starting to notice our egregious typographical error.

We are sufficiently ashamed.

Please accept this corrected version of our guide:

First Venezuela, then Iran, and there's rumbling about Cuba. When will Democrats learn their lesson and stop talking about the Epstein files?

well Boston has never taken a stand over government regulation of caffeinated beverages before, so I imagine this will go down easy

RFK Jr. wants Dunkin’ to prove drinking its iced coffee is safe - The Boston Globe The warning comes as Kennedy is leaning heavily into his agenda to improve American diets.

This moron has no idea how much of a third rail this is. If he goes through with a public fight with Dunkin he will never live this down. In the words of my people "fuck ya motha."

‘No one deserves this’: Beaverton father dies after deportation to Mexico A Beaverton family is grieving after the father, who was detained and deported by ICE, has now died.

This 53 year old man who lived in my neighborhood w/no criminal record & who had been in the US for 30 years, was detained and thrown into a cold cell for days, caught pneumonia and COVID there and deported.

He finally died.

I am so angry.
www.kptv.com/2026/02/21/n...

GM: Charisma check.

Mamdani: [rolls natural 20]

GM: that’s a d6 how did you

Mamdani: [direct to camera] Did you know you can check out board games at your local public library? 😊

oopsie doodles your actions have blinded your toddler and killed his baby cousin. a perfectly avoidable situation but you did your own research. sure you directly killed one baby and maimed your own but you're a good person. a superspreader? countless deaths? not your fault. a good person

Preventing ICE from murdering civilians could have a chilling effect on future presidents’ ability to terrify the nation with a secret police force.

A pika sits on a mossy rock.

Tighter crop of the same pika, focusing on its head.

An even tighter crop, focusing more on the pika's eye.

An extremely tight crop of the pika's eye, emphasizing their reflection of an early morning mountain scene.

"Pat, why do you carry that ridiculous 600mm lens on long hikes?"

Buddy, I can see mountains reflected in the eyes of a trailside pika.

A children’s birthday party on Rochester’s deep blue Dewey Avenue might seem like a strange place to meet Trump supporters. But over the sound of slot cars racing, you can hear whispers that woke is the reason the medium cheese pizza from Birdland is $18.

Thank god Chuck Schumer isn’t alive to see this.

It is going to happen this year. You know what I mean. God’s will. Naturally of course. No need to come knocking on my door. I’m chilling at home and I’ll be chilling at home when it happens. Before I go running out into the streets that is. Shaking the mailman’s hand. Kissing nurses and shit. All of a sudden there’s a drumline and a mariachi band and breakdancers and fuckin… David Guetta is DJing on a rooftop if David Guetta is still alive. Maybe we’ll even get to watch it live on TV. The first flicker that something is really wrong. Slowing it down and rewinding it after like when Lisa broke Ralph’s heart. The realization in his eyes. The first single moment of self awareness in 80 years. Like a flailing panicked deer you’ve crashed your car into on the side of a snowy mountain pass. The eyes fluttering back and forth. Surely this can’t have been it. Perhaps a brief bargaining with God. God saying he’s going to pass on the deal. I do not agree with your terms sir. It’s gonna be like the Will Smith Summertime video out there. Everywhere. We’re all going to get fired from our jobs for posting. 100% unemployment. One good day.

A podcast asked me to record a voice note about my prediction for 2026 and here it is.

KOSA, yet again

microphone, pop filter, and interface Never Used Podcast Equipment

did it in four words hemmingway

Join The Onion Don’t just read the news. Feel it. Be among the first to feel the news.

Hi everybody,

It's Black Friday, a big day for us at The Onion, since we rely almost entirely on your memberships.

Our goal for 2026? More print subscribers than the Washington Post.

This is, somehow, feasible.

So sign up! A year of print is $75 for the year today. Help us do a very funny thing.

Rochester NY 👈🏽📍

The words "FIX YOUR HEARTS OR DIE" placed over David Lynch's face (a still from TWIN PEAKS THE RETURN).

I feel like we have the opportunity to turn David Lynch's quote into this moment's "Keep Calm and Carry On" and it's a far better rallying cry too.

Oh no there’s gonna be a mistrial

What last night proves, above all else, is that centrist Democrats like Zohran Mamdani, Bernie Sanders, and AOC can work together with moderate Republicans like Abigail Spanberger and Gavin Newsom to push back on MAGA fascism.

Good things are possible and we don’t have to settle.

A four frame comic about Captain Torture. The first frame shows the sign "BREAKING NEWS" and the drawing of a man, with the words "CAPTAIN TORTURES PASSES AWAY" near him. The second frame shows a journalist holding a mic, as she says "A controversial and divisive figure, Captain torture will be remembered for his key role in history." The News title is "Mourning day for Captain-". The third frame shows three posts on social media. The first one is by a man called Paul James @Paulitician. He writes: "I didn't always agree with Captain Torture but he sure was a man who believed in something." The second post by James Paul @Avegetable reads: "I pay my respects to Captain Torture and his family. His heart was in the right place- with our country." The third post is by SonicVomit @SonicBleh , and reads "HE TORTURED PEOPLE". The fourth frame shows an interview on TV. An angry man on the right is saying: "Let me tell you something, Jen. I think it's SICK to celebrate Captain Torture's death. These people should be LOCKED UP, and also tortured-". The news below says: "Every president on earth pays homage-".

Captain Torture

Distracted boyfriend meme. The boyfriend is labeled ‘tech companies’, his current girlfriend is labelled ‘eugenics’, and he’s being distracted by another girl labelled ‘a new type of eugenics’

Made a Slack-o-lantern that hits you with the Slack notification sound and logo when you walk by.

👻 now baAAck toOOO WooOOrk 👻

"some legal experts have called it a crime to summarily execute civilians" says today's New York Times, continuing their long tradition of whitewashing fascism

Absolute all-timer sentence in today's @nytimes.com

Screenshot of Phoenix 0.1, later to become Firefox. Screenshot from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Firefox#History

🎂 Happy 23rd birthday, Firefox

(Firefox 1.0 was released on November 9, 2004 but the first version of the thing that lead up to it – Phoenix 0.1 – was released on September 23, 2002)

Absolutely brilliant satire.

"These “Guess Stops” will be staffed by special agents known as Guess Stop Officers, or “Guess-Stop-O” for short. The Guess-Stop-O will make crime disappear by making undesirable people disappear."