That’s gonna leave a question mark.

ME: slow and steady wins the race

WIFE: i asked you to do the dishes 3 days ago

ME: slow and steady linda

might start saying the p in receipt

one of my least favorite genres of old people are the ones that let their phone ring at full volume until their voicemail gets it

sandal weather, time for my yearly toenail clipping

what else can be monged besides cheese, fish, and fear? can you mong anything else?

hey babe can you come pick my up from the zoo i guess arctic monkeys aren’t even real

all I’m saying is they put Britney under a conservatorship for a lot less

big day for pestilence and preventable disease

Surround yourself with the kind of people who help turtles cross the road.

Despite my typos, I will never lead you ashtray.

we're all in a group chat in my heart

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?

ME: Have you?

DENTIST: (sweating) THIS ISN’T ABOUT ME!

Friend: Let's get together! What's your calendar look like?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

got an ankle tattoo at 17 and made sure it was high enough so you could see it when I was wearing my high top converse and that was the last time I thought about my fashion sense I think

[Phone chimes]

Wife: who's that?

Me: (hiding promo push notification from McDonald's) just a friend

weather confused bitch rocking crocs & a leather jacket

The Butt-Head in me recognizes the Beavis in you

oh yay free car wash (it’s raining)

I’ve held doors open for people I should’ve pushed off a cliff

The five stages of grief but it's just me realizing I have to leave my house

i love going to sleep high because my last thought is always something useless like “what if rabbits had little furniture in their burrows”

where they put all the crusts from the uncrustables?

They need to stop publishing books until I’m caught up reading them all.

1st Mozzarella stick: OMG yes!
2nd-3rd: This is great!
4-5th: No looking back now.
6th: I regret everything.

willy wonka is actually the nickname they gave him after his first gym class

there was no proof in that pudding, your honor

Cursed idols are always ancient. You never see a cursed idol from like 2015. We need to restart cursed idol production for the benefit of future generations

just roll me up in a blanket, i'm a 420 sleepy burrito

if you love it so much why don’t you marry juana