I want to carfuck the carfax carfox.

I was blown a crushing defeat huh? Erm, I’m pretty sure I’d remember if I was blown and crushed by feet.

You’re saying I get to kiss someone under toes?? Christmas is amazing.

Eating a Christmas themed bath bomb to get into the holiday spirit.

The first person to cut the head off a chicken must’ve been like ohhh shit oh wtf.

Apple dev texting their friend something was funny:

Laugh out loud!

If you die at Applebees do you die in real life too?

TRAGIC: Applebees runs out of apples, local man has no choice but to order bees.

Wish you wouldn’t :/ but also understand if it’s the best thing for yourself.

Feeling for ya. Tomorrow will be beautiful.

Anything specifically up? or just funk hours

Sitting in my car at Lowes parked in the spot reserved for veterans and I’m straight up jorkin it.

You love hot ramen inside of you. I love hot raw men inside of me. We are not similar.

Which given the heat over there would be completely valid.

I read ‘outlet’ as in a power outlet and it sounded you were bout to crash out over not being able to charge your phone or toys.

Putting my Waze traffic report badges on my resume.

I am a bird, flying along joyously.

Life is a particularly clean office building window.

“Sorry babe, the tourniquet stays on during sex 😎” I manage to say as I grab the dresser to keep from falling.

If you’re 30 and your main circle isn’t discussing:

-the wordle
-the mini
-the connections
-the strands

You probably enjoy your mornings like seriously what the fuck was purple.

College kinda sus. What do you mean you’re “”taking a minor””??

Tariff this tariff that why is nobody talking about the tariff-ying lack of horny MILFs in my area?

Being an adult is simply going from ant invasion to ant invasion with varying amounts of time between chapters.

Top Gun? I hardly know Gun!

Tip: you can hit the flight attendant call button for help on the NYT Connections up to 4 times without being put on a no fly list.

I turn my phone onto drive mode when I’m behind the wheel so text message notifications don’t interrupt my NYT puzzles.

She connecting on my mini till I wordle.

Posting in Craigslist missed connections:

We were in line at Starbucks and you were in front of me. I got yellow and blue but got confused with green. I noticed you got purple first.

Connections category: things I need rn.

Buying from Black and LGBTQ-owned liquor stores has turned my alcohol problems into alcohol solutions.

I want to kiss you. By kiss I mean eat. By you I mean a burger.