wanna shoot the shit?

“idk, sounds messy and a bit counterintuitive”

When Trump is GONE, all the WH PRESS should be replaced.
They didn't do their job.

They enabled the dysfunction.

Since my last update my eyes look like a slot machine when I'm dissociating

Sorry I hogged the only available restroom at Arby’s for a half an hour.

It’s just that I ate Arby’s.

Yeah okay...but what have you done for you lately?

im sick of the rat race grandpa

does anyone know why my dentist bugs me to come in like four times a year while my general practitioner doesn’t seem to care if I don’t come in for years on end

ME: slow and steady wins the race

WIFE: i asked you to do the dishes 3 days ago

ME: slow and steady linda

I'm getting a burger at the burger factory, she said Americanly.

I saw four goth kids were sitting outside against the brick wall of a CVS yesterday like they were waiting for The Cure

I’m a hard working lazy person.

A looksmaxxing Transformer, call it Vehicular *catapults phone into the sun

you and i could put the hoot in cahoots

Asking a rhetorical question on Bluesky is just a dare, right?

normalize walking into the sea after the slightest inconvenience

you really can’t let fries sit for too long. that’s why you have to eat them all on the way home

damn man, idk how much more my chakras can take

That's quite a copliment 🏆👑 Congratulations @daddyjew.bsky.social from @hellomanders.bsky.social

Thank you so much!

If two vegans get into a fight, is it still considered beef

she’s got Betty Crocker eyes

M. Night Shenanigans

why read the room when you can leave the room

always the bridesmaid who mysteriously disappeared after being locked inside a hope chest and now haunts the church grounds still waiting to catch the bouquet, never the bride

I’ve held doors open for people I should’ve pushed off a cliff

The Butt-Head in me recognizes the Beavis in you

REMEMBER: If you're not alone in your dating app profile pic, be sure to state whether or not you're the fish

I don't need a hashtag telling me to boycott anything

Picture of my old ass dog, but he's super cute and he always lifts his right ear more than his left

My sweet Riley. He'll only be with us for another month or so... He's suffering and I'm just trying to put the money together to give him peace.
He's been such a good dog. When we lived on the east side of Milwaukee he was our guard dog and he's kept us safe ever since

look man ive got a lot of sympathy for you but you cant blame the haunted amulet your estranged grandfather left you in his will for all your problems