Glad it happened before i went to bed or i would have been rudely awakened by cramps an hr or two later 😭

Started bleeding at night. theres a first for everything ig

I just...... sometimes i wonder if it's even worth keeping this dream

Literally no one has ever made me feel bad for choosing to be childless more than american surro agencies have. before then i never felt bad for being childfree and that still wont change regardless. but in my eyes i just cant see this requirement as a safeguard. to me its a barrier

i cant necessarily join surro communities and whatnot to connect with others either... it's a given that i'm going to have "clinics wont work with an unproven uterus" shoved down my throat. i know i'm going to be shut down over that one fucking requirement left and right

Not only is is therouputic to do so- if i talk ab it enough i may have a chance of a friend coming to me who may need this kind of help or referring someone they know to me. but at the same time i wonder if this is too personal/sensitive to be talked about on a main acc....idk.

#surr0_talk i keep flip flopping between wanting to be more vocal abt my surrogacy dream on main (or in general) and then not thinking itd be a good idea to do so 😔

im so tired of everything

i'll be honest i'm not entirely surprised. but fuck man.

Trip to the er last night told us theres a chance he could have dementia so theres that

I really dont see my dad making it past next year

There js literally no way normal pms is as bad as it gets for me

Really starting to wonder if i have pmdd

That being said. i'm extremely grateful to have found one (maybe two) agency that may make exceptions. i wanna get clarification but im trying to decide whether to wait on emailing them when im mentally ready or gun it and do it now

Honestly ik i'm not mentally ready yet as i still need to work on not getting this angry over being reminded of such, but fuck man. it's really upsetting knowing i wouldnt be this barred from my dream if i didnt live here. all the while being incorrectly told id never be able to do it

Fun fact it's only impossible in this hellhole country thanks to a//srm guidelines! do yall know how much of a gut punch it was finding out countries like ca/nada, u/k, etc. don't have that requirement. yet this is the land of the free.

But hey i appreciate being lied to by those in authority!!!

#surr0_talk i'm sorry. but i dont think i can ever forgive most american s.urro agencies for constantly telling me being a s.urro while being childless is absolutely impossible

Lol my dad telling my mom "i only raise my voice because i have no other choice" you yelled at me over something small in the middle of a zoo when i was 13.

-, not the complete opposite

that being said. if that's the route i take i'm waiting until tr.ump fucks out of here for good because theres no way in hell im gonna risk my ip's being kidnapped by i.ce. they only have to travel to the us once but it doesnt matter i want them as safe as possible. this should be exciting for them-

-s.urrogacy is illegal so there arent many ppl out there willing to do it without money. i cannot stress this enough; i could *never* do such a journey for money. ever. it'd be not even the last thing id expect. so getting into their canadian program would be perfect methinks

They also have a canadian program where usa s.urros are matched with canadian ips and i plan to request to be part of that. it was created for s.urros who dont meet the strict criteria clinics here have but aside from that theres a massive demand for s.urros in canada specifically, commercialized-

-that theyre not opposed to making exceptions if extra effort is made. though their acceptance rate is only 1-2% i'm still very hopeful. i'm still waiting to see if any friends/family members may need that sort of help but if that doesnt end up being the case by 2027/2028 i may shoot em a message

#surr0_talk omg i may have found an agency that may make an exception for me.... usually it's only canadian/uk agencies that do this so i'm extremely surprised to have found an american one. their requirements still list that u have a kid already BUT they specifically stated in a blog post-

it's not quite as bad as how i was feeling a decade ago but i was really hoping id be able to look back upon it while feeling significantly better....

Kinda sad how exactly a decade ago today at this time i officially started going through one of the worst periods of my life and today im trying to get out of an unexpected horrific mental patch

Took two adderall free days to do absolutely nothing and bedrot bc i just accepted i was burnt out from everything beyond comprehension and needed such

im sorry but i dont want outsiders interacting w this acc at all 😭

Having to block ch11tan cuz they interacted w one of my posts here

dude he stole my mom's phone and is refusing to give it back to her. literally the only way i can talk to her right now