If you're gonna hate Mark Wahlberg for getting away with attempted murder I totally support you but you have to do it with Jon Hamm too

Gays who are 10s, do porn, and have 1.3m followers will have a 15-year microblog of postgrad-level essays about the difficulties of love as a hot person and go through four breakups a year, meanwhile my pasty fat ass is over here in a loving drama-free relationship with no blog and no gym membership

This is why I don't go by my legal name anymore

I got high today, everyday

I would bet a trillion dollars that he doesn't know what discovery is

I can tell just from this picture that you're riddled with ague and dropsy and probably a touch of rheumatic grippe

That’s ok! they’re just movies

If you are the person who appeared on the balcony across from Howard Brown Halsted in the middle of my psych appointment holding the tallest bong I’ve seen college and exhaled a full mushroom cloud of smoke into the Boystown air, happy 4/20 and I would like to be friends

“I need the new Dubai chocolate thing” no babe you need Dubai a personality

Spectacular

The fact that all the worst people in the world have suddenly decided tattoos are cringe makes me want like ten new tattoos

One time when I was a kid 50 Cent appeared on the TV and my mom said "he'll lose that body in ten years but he'll always be stuck with that face"

This morning the cat threw up on my boyfriend's winter coat. Summer is here

An unflattering candid photo of Nicolas Cage on an airplane with his eyes half-closed

An unflattering candid photo of Gerard Butler wearing a black suit and tie with his eyes half-closed

3 months left of my thirties

I guess I really am that old guy because yes, the sight of thousands of kids filming Madonna instead of watching her really did a number on me. Zoomers are never beating the allegations

no stupid it’s Joanna Newsom

binging YouTube videos about the Spanish Reconquista would be a lot more fun if the top comment on every one of them wasn't some variation on "we're going to do this again but with machine guns!" and always liked by the video's author

nobody daps each other up anymore so I'm gonna just start doing it to myself

Me and which 3 to 30 of you

gotta be an all-time top 10 line reading

There are five better pho joints you could spit at from their front door

I don’t want Tank Noodle to close I just think they should have to change their name to January 6th Noodle

Winona Ryder in Black Swan saying "did you suck his cawwk??"

Principal Skinner in the Steamed Hams scene saying "Yes!"

wait maybe i'm getting one

no offense but i am the superior being for not having one of those things

Pope Leo XIV as a young man

Me: [idly looking up info on popes]

Wikipedia: This list is incomplete; you can help expand it.

Me: wut?

Wikipedia: [lifts eyebrows suggestively]