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Thinking of going out? Don't. It's horrible out there. Watch the TV instead with our roundup of monthly listings.

Got fifty properties to furnish? Come on down!

Movie of the Day: Weevil Deeds.
Why the long face? This documentary, which uncovers the complex lives of these snouty little bugs, will give you lots to smile about. Masterful macro photography meets smooth narration from Machine Gun Kelly.

Book of the Day: Coven's Way by Jemima Magiditchi.
Shake your forelocks with the warlocks in this epic. Walk with Heidi down the pass of the condemned maiden to River Lorton. Wash your sullied hands and embrace the bull in the foreign field. I tried it and found my prince, though a goblin he may be.

The Scream! A monthly roundup of paranormal cold cases.

Don't believe in ghosts? Explain this then...

Film review: The 69th Brigade.
This remastered wartime caper stars Arthur Twombley as Col. Titch Thomas. Armed with his famous ‘bottywhacker’, Thomas must instill discipline in the 69th brigade, who prefer frolicking to fighting. Beneath the trouser-dropping antics lies a tale of true cameraderie.

This is awesome

Album of the Day: Kersplooey by Chump.
The trio return to their folk roots with tracks like They Maced Mo Tierney and Inedible. The latter recounts the day bassist Tim Tubney was found in the tour bus luggage hold, tearfully dipping pot pourri into nacho salsa. 10% of royalties to Wilton egg bank.

Book of the Day: The Cones by David Lovechild.
As a boy, Lovechild wondered why the world was black and white, with a hint of green. "I see as a dog does. It almost turned me wolf," he opines. From bullying to diagnosis, from rod clown to cone king, follow his journey in this Darwinian bestseller

Help Mr Purlipoff Restore His Peachy Glow Paul Purlipoff is tiring of comments about his health

'Paul was a model once. He wore the Marky Mark pants.

Norman's Powums: O' Technology! Smartphones, sat-navs and scams: Norman's digital escapades

Bleep bloop! Norman has swapped his quill for a stylus, as he ruminates on all things digital in his latest set of powums.

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Minimum 20 rats guaranteed in your first week

Have you got problems in your life? Not anymore.

Let's have a jolly good punch up, shall we?

That’s classic Norm for you. Always got to take what he says with a pinch of salt

Norman's Powums - Norm Takes a Holiday Norman's packed his Volvo and is swapping his slacks for slightly lighter-weight slacks as he takes to the open road.

It's the freakin' weekend and your favourite Kentish poet Norman is in the mood for some fun. Read his latest powums here

Album of the Day: Rochdale by Archibald.
I spy a boarded-up property. That’s right, Archie’s back, claiming to be ‘poorer and angrier’ than ever, with a classfishing grump dump of austerity anthems.

A £13000 bijou house in Kensington?!

Theatre spotlight: Miss Havisham's Circus Nights.
Dickensian lore meets acrobatic pageantry as Mae Mort-Underwood flits beneath cobwebs like a posthumous fairy. All is ethereal bliss till her troupe of protégés (loaned from PeeWee Whit’s circus) bellow and excrete across the stage with loose abandon

You're Nicked! Your weekly dose of schadenfreude at the expense of the nation's petty criminals.

Well well well, what's all this business?

Too much mince-plus

It's an ergonomic pencil designed for the small hands of rats. Better than using a rat pen, as you can erase their drawings if vulgar.

The Litter Tray: Animal Roundup This week's animal antics

A wayward pig and a waggy tail: This week's animal highlights that definitely happened.

Read the latest theatre review from our roving critic Lyndsey Lindsey-Dumas.

Sold to you my good sir

Ahhh no you’re thinking of the album ‘Moonlight Whistle Skiffle’. I believe the song you’re after is the second on the LP after ‘It’s Me or the Bull’.

Treasure hogs! Feast your thrifty little trotters on these gems.