Children’s Librarian: You finish that mural of a giraffe?
Painter: Sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked.
Librarian: what.

Nothing in the Epstein files is surprising to anyone who grew up female-embodied. Everyone remembers feeling like a number of older men they encountered regularly were "creepy." Thats because given enough power, those men would have done exactly what Epstein and his friends did.

one minute you have a baby and the next minute you haven't watched Wizard People, Dear Readers in two years

Proud aging hipster millennial parent moment: clocking that Cookie Monster sounds exactly like Tom Waits

I know I'm far from the first person to have this idea/ beg for this feature, but pleeeaase I need spotify wrapped for Libby

*and to empty the tub the moment you get home from the store, and wipe it dry, then layer all of the greens with paper towels

It is with a heavy heart that I must announce that the "secret" to getting through an entire large tub of greens without any going dark and slimy is to eat a big salad every single day.

Oh you have a gentle yet firm grip? Show me the first 2-5 tissues you took out of the box

In case no one has told you today: ovaltine in coffee is really good

There was a lot of harmful beauty shit put on millennial women and we’ve all talked about the thinness, the low-rise jeans, the 90s, but I’m still waiting for the skincare discourse about how “oil free” and hyper astringent products were marketed to us as a OTC treatment for acne 😭

Dude it’s a COMMON name. Unthinkable tbh.

My toxic trait is that every time someone introduces their child named Remy I have to stop myself from replying “oh, like the rat that cooks”

I know I'm out of the loop (had a baby, haven't smoked weed in over 2 years) but damn easter sunday falling on 4/20 really snuck up on me

Knowing what we know now about baby psychology it’s like…. Ok so you tortured me lol

Boomer parents will look you right in the eye in the middle of dinner and tell you they used to use a fan to drown out the sound of you crying in the middle of the night??????????????????? cool thanks that’s good to know pass the salad I guess

a man in a suit and tie is eating a chicken wing . ALT: a man in a suit and tie is eating a chicken wing .

The Platform

My 14 month old has a little stuffed dog that woofs and snuffles when you touch its head — and I guess the idea is you “pet” it, but we don’t have a dog and Sabina doesn’t know what petting is so she hugs the little dog to make it woof and it is the very dearest little thing.

No one who hasn't shared or donated to this gofundme is allowed to talk about Disco Elysium ever again.

I know! I'm poor too. I don't always eat either.

A single dollar. One currency.

No I mean as soon as Michael told me he was a man I said “of course a man dreams of a gramma with infinite pasta”

I guess everyone else knew this but I just found out that Tomie DePaula, author of Strega Nona, is a man?????? Seems fake to me but there you have it.

2 steps at a time before toppling into us/ the floor, but YES DOG

What nobody tells you about having a baby is that they walk right up to you and rest their little cheek on your shoulder

I saw a lamb chop dog toy and got so offended. You're gonna let your dog destroy lamb chop? fuck you

And not just any random old man but one who was like “a gig where I make $16 an hour and little kids I’ve never met line up to sit on my lap? sounds good to me” like be less deranged for a SECOND that is your BABY

People are really out here putting their sweet baby who is a whole PERSON with boundaries and preferences and a heart but no way to advocate for themselves or say no on a strange man's lap for a tacky "Santa" picture

I'm certain I'm not the first person to complain about this but WHY isn't there a Turner Classic Movies streaming platform I would absolutely pay for it.

Nooooooooo what if you went spa castle instead one day

I need you to go on Gastronauts BAD