What if Jesus wasn't crucified and was just the world's worst carpenter?

My brother has a mushroom tattoo on his lag that looks like a piece of pizza. Never let drunk friends do ink just because it's free.

"Knives for sale! Slightly used knives for sale! Half price for senators!"

And if you're catholic rats are considered fish.
Religion is batshit.

Since we put the clocks back tomorrow, I'm gonna keep going back a lot further than an hour and give Fred Trump a hillbilly vasectomy. Should solve a LOT of problems.

What's weird is 90% of my family is women, but all of my mom's descendants are male.

I have 2 brothers who have 4 boys each and a nephew that just had a boy.

We can't make girls.

"They absorb so much at this age. They're like a sponge."
I exclaim as I wipe down a countertop with a toddler.

I thought she was a time lord.

What I find interesting about the whole Epstein list thing is the sounds of crickets when it comes to the catholic church. I refuse to believe they aren't involved.

At least you didn't wake up naked in the front yard.
That happened to my mom once after drinking way too much fireball. She also drove into the garage door.

That's why I laugh at people that think being gay is a choice. Why would anyone choose this? Men are terrible.

Barbie girl. My ex would lock his bedroom door and blast that fucking song on repeat until I wanted to kill him.

Clearly my taste in men cannot be trusted.

Do I need to come over there and beat up your brain for being mean to you?

This goes without saying, but not the shrimp seasoning though. Even I'm not poor enough to eat that.

I'd try it.

Any tips on giving the entire trump bloodline late stage syphilis?

I've always stated that David Lynch's work was highly overrated. Lost Highway, for example, was one of the dumbest movies I've ever watched, and I sat through Dragon Wars.

I've always preferred "Assault Possum".

Don't repeatedly call the ICE hotline and play audio clips from the Nuremberg trials when someone picks up. That would be childish.

Not 1-866-347-2423 from US or Canada nor 1-802-872-6199 from other areas around the globe.

Know who really hates old racist white guys, Papa Legba.

*Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more*

So, how are you enjoying my storm? It's not a generational curse, but it serves a purpose.

I need a werewolf movie where it dies by accidentally eating some chocolate.

Lady Gaga - Disease (The Poison Live) YouTube video by LadyGagaVEVO

Why has this been playing on a loop in my head for the last week?

Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?

After watching all of Stranger Things from beginning to end, I'm seriously sick of that fucking Kate Bush song.