still weirded out that c detransititoned as soon as i wasn't there to be some sort of trans guru
should i feel guilty? should i not care? idk

before i'd even left they suggested coming up to see me soon so i must not have failed too bad right

if anyone needs me i'll be alternating between actual real life worries and bs worries that i wasn't impressive enough the other night on an initial meetup
i am amazing and anyone who doesn't love me is a legit fucking fool

b doesn't use socmedia so i showed them my main account
i think we've moved up to phone dates bc i won't do irl dates during sad month
luckily they hate video chat too
i really like them
uuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh

i am v uncomfortable with what happened yesterday and being vaguely mc'ed by some wrong dude with a big platform and i almost entirely deleted without warning

Just told b my like actual legal name which I haven't told anyone romantically in like 10 years
I think for a solid 3 or 4 years I just went by my gaming handle lmao even during sex

weird as fuck of a feeling

I really like b
and it makes me nervous
like we align in all of the important ways and they never make me feel stupid or weird or like I have to be anyone other than myself
I don't trust that in romance
but ugh
and so hot :(
I am weak
hot weeb gamers who will let me braid their hair are my sickness

it is uncomfortable to me how many people are posting about the terrible things being done to trans people without even paying any mind to the fact that all of this is and was tested on disabled people
just kicked out the door while they erase our entire's community's pain now that it effects them

I'm trying not to get my hopes up bc people are generally horrible but at the same time oof

we have been talking about art and books and they've been checking up on me abt my mother and my health and ugh
I don't feel pressured to open up or be entertaining like I did with c like I can just be myself and take space if I want it

I am suffering
I have
a crush
uggghhhh throw me in the sea

roommates bought a 125 gal fishtank and are now trying to say that my rent is going up (according to them, not landlord) to cover the energy costs of said fishtank
fuck no
they make twice what i make each, and have less bills
i'm not paying for their fucking shit

loving all of the posts about Kansas that only mention supporting trans sisters

ngl a lot of this epstein stuff is pulling up shit my mother did when I was a kid that I dealt with justenough in therapy to repress it forever

my bipolar makes me do shitty hurtful things sometimes
it's a reason, not an excuse
it means I owe apologies and amends to those I hurt, not isolation from society

seeing so many people say that people with difficult and unpleasant disabilities shouldn't be allowed around people is
very upsetting
I am not commenting on the actual thing that happened bc it is not my place
but I am okay saying that that is not an okay position to take

sometimes I see things that make me think of my dad so hard I cry, and I get halfway thru sending it to. little sister before I remember and cry even more
great way to start the day

feeling very weird about myself and idk if it's just the relentless stupid shit or coming off of a bipolar episode but uggggghhh

hi!

hmm