I was just thinking "Is the homeless life right for me?" but now that I cannot get a free tent I think I'll just keep my house.

And I thought I fucked when when I dropped my first Blackberry off the edge of a boat while crabbing.

A total amount that doesn't even constitute a fucking rounding error in our budget.

You need to put a viking helmet on her and teach her to ride it.

Can never go wrong with gumbo

A Jesus Christ AI image

Jesus Saves ... When he uses his discount club card.

Got to buy a ton of these games when stores were blowing them out for $.99. I fondly remember spending hours every day 3 feet in front of the screen playing the 2600. Recently try some of these games again and they suck. I must of had radiation brain damage as a kid from sitting that close to the TV

Proving once again the answer is always "More Otters"

2 weeks left in 2024 and we still have people honking their horn to let their friend know they are outside

School shooting at a Christian school? I guess thoughts and prayers don't work.

I'll save you the read. No.

a man wearing a music band shirt is holding a skateboard over his shoulder ALT: a man wearing a music band shirt is holding a skateboard over his shoulder

You can always go the other way with it.

Tell me you forgot to capture "The Onion" logo?

Just had the helpdesk kick up a ticket that could have been solved by simply searching the ticketing system. Instead of telling them this I'm going to make them spend a few hours gathering information and troubleshooting.

People call them their thrift store white whale. I've found 7 of them at thrift stores now. I've bought every one and found it a loving home. I'll be damned if I'm going to let a flipper rob someone of a $10 zoji. If you ever find one of the bread machines it's a must have.

The reward for turning in the person who shot United Healthcare CEO is $10,000
His salary last year was $10,000,000

I like them in a burrito.

It's a mistake you only make once. Ask me how I know.

I like Thanksgiving dinner, not Thanksgiving lunch. 2 pm EST and I just put the bird in.

Canine influencer? Can I be first in line to get off the planet?

Going to be the longest 3 day week ever.

People watching me run the 100 yard dash in highschool P.E. got to witness subhuman speed.

Do only certain classes get to have more than 1 in a stack?

Nothing like smoked turkey in the middle of the summer when there isn't a bird to be found

Oh look. I can add one of my domains here. The one I give when a store employee asks for my email address. They generally just give up.

They are just now getting Coors Light in Singapore?

I'm about to clean out my fridge if anyone has a few bitcoins kicking around for some art

Half want the Gaetz report released, half don't. Mean that it's 100% bad.

Do It. Play to piss off the old nits. Try to make them rage quit. Perhaps I'm a dick, but the satisfaction of watching someone rack up and leave because I'm having too much fun is quite enjoyable.