[convenient hand signals to use with your friends at a loud club]
✌️ = two more vomit bags
🤏 = pinch my left moob
🤙 = call your mom for me
🤜 = I’m leaving with a proctologist
🤌 = let’s do gabagool in the bathroom
My slutty Ron Howard costume is coming along nicely
it is.
It pales in comparison to my slutty Clint Howard costume.
After you sneeze, Devil worshippers be like, "Possess you."
My Boss: [patiently explaining something to me]
My Brain: YOU TAKE THE GOOD YOU TAKE THE BAD YOU TAKE THEM BOTH & THERE YOU HAVE THE FACTS OF LIFE
a millionaire? I’ve got two toilets in my house, man. what more could you want
my bf, Gerry Mander, has a problem with boundaries . folks,,
MULDER: I’m telling you boss, it’s real, and we have the proof.
SCULLY: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Mulder is telling the truth: we have captured Bigfoot. He’s in the lab right now.
KASH PATEL: Is it woke?
SCULLY: Director, I don’t —
PATEL: Can we say it’s woke? That we caught Woke Bigfoot?
bully: i'm about to give you a taste of your own medicine.
me: way ahead of ya, buddy... *pops a bunch of flintstones vitamins with the wilmas taken out*
good computer
programmer
👇
c colon slash
☝️
bad proctologist
I Can't Believe It's Not Man
"Maybe a little jail time will straighten you out," I grumble as I strap on a knee brace.
scrawled on the bathroom wall...
[Medic Alert Bracelet]
ＪＵＳＴ ＬＥＴ ＭＥ ＳＬＥＥＰ
date: i love a man who is still in touch with his inner child.
me: *pulls out a jar with all of my baby teeth*
*wakes up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
*goes back to sleep*
bully: i'm about to give you a taste of your own medicine.
me: way ahead of ya, buddy... *pops a bunch of flintstones vitamins with the wilmas taken out*
interviewer: it says here you're terrible at keeping secrets.
me: *letting an actual cat out of an actual bag* it says what now?
date: i love a man who is still in touch with his inner child.
me: *pulls out a jar with all of my baby teeth*
Her: Trim your beard!
Him: You'd rather I have a bear?
Her: You're sure to get awards for Most Ostentatious Costume and Most Adorned Costume.
Him: I seek wins with this sequence of sequins!
a murder of crows has probable caws
welcome back to invisibility class.
it's pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
i hold the febreze bottle sideways when i want to freshen up the place like a gangsta.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
me: watch this... *places chameleon on my penis*
her: what the fuck?
chameleon *struggling not to change colors*: yeah, what the actual fuck?
Her: *watching a show that bleeps out cuss words*
Him: *hears a bleep* Oooh, someone cussed.
Her: Yeah, I got a bleeper for you, too.
Him: Lmao, the bleep you did...what the bleep...bleep...oh, this BLEEPin sucks!
hey dentist office that is in an old house: no thank you
*trying to sneeze quietly because you feel you've been blessed enough*