Sometimes the gentle cadence of a catbird singing in the honeysuckle gives me pause and tells me to set things on fire

Is earwax meant to keep things from burrowing in or things from clawing their way out?

Massive Attack, Tom Waits - Boots on the Ground YouTube video by Massive Attack

Goddamn, do I love Tom Waits

Tom Waits + Massive Attack, putting out the best music possible

Fuck yeah

🎶🎵 Boots on the Ground 🎵🎶

Someone's hand is taking a forkful of red velvet cake. The subtitles read: "What is red velvet?" "It's some American nonsense."

Tasting potential wedding cakes on Love Is Blind: Sweden

I consider making the worst decisions possible somewhat of a hobby of mine.

I hold grudges against avatars from 2003 so if I blocked you and we've never met, blame some dick on LiveJournal for ruining the image you chose to represent yourself

Stop saying you have a dry sense of humor. Your favorite comedy is Anchorman

I don’t think it’s true that kids love cubes

how are your new year’s resolutions going? my resolution was to scream more and i’m killing it.

thinking about wearing a snorkel and a pool float that looks like a big yellow duck to my next interview i really wanna be a memorable candidate

Nicole Kidman on a white horse

Getting ready to say my last words and BAM the ward doors open and in comes this. ”What the fuck” i manage to say before passing

i asked a magic 8 ball if everything was going to be ok and it collapsed in on itself like a dying star is that good

Everything we say on the internet is being used to train their robots & those are gonna be some insane fuckin bots man

Between moods there's a place, I've said too much, and you can't even name it, oh what have I done, okay it's called worry. I know it sounds concerning but you aren't in a mood, take a leak it's an unrest stop

Capricorn: Get out. You know what you did. And don't let the door hit you on the way out--it's a bad door day for you.

Sagittarius: This month's possibilities are endless! Like an infinite well releasing no trace of light or echo, descending into madness.

Libra: The detectives will never figure out how your head ends up aboard the International Space Station.

Now I'm no big city lawyer," he paces the courtroom folksily in a white suit. He sticks his thumbs into black suspenders and leans back on his heels."But it seems to me, your apartment is a dethatrap for plants of all kinds."
"Objection!"
"Sustained!" the Judge gavel smacked down with a crisp wrap.

follow me tonight for insightful oscar commentary like “hey, it’s that one guy. he was in the movie about a ghost or maybe it was a dog”

*3:21 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
you remember my prison pen pal cletus? he wants to borrow twelve hundred dollars.

two aliens zooming through the solar system in their spaceship, one of them points to the earth as they fly by, “that’s where banksy lives.”

I've been misinformed. This is the red carpet for the Ozempic Awards.

Doctors were surprised when my x-rays showed not bones, but turtles all the way down

"Your laugh is like a sunset," I say right before I nail gun my hand to the frame of a revolving door

We shall delete the posts until the concept of posts is no more.

There is a goat man in my living room, standing on two legs, menacingly watching me eat a bowl of cereal

“We’ve invented a magic computer. It uses all of the earth’s resources, we’ve spent trillions on it and it’s the sole growth area of the US economy.”

“What does it do?”

“We were hoping you could tell us.”

If you descend one level below the asphalt, you'll find me suspended in a glass box, not as a warning, but because they dedicated this road to me.