Supervillain: before I kill you I will reveal my secret identity
Me: Iden-what?
Supervillain: tity
Me: Hehe
Supervillain: lol

Me: can I get a big gulp?

Waiter: sir, this is a fine dining establishment...

Me: apologies my good man, could I trouble you for an immense swallow

☝️😌

Who called it pretending your dead boss is still alive and not Bernie Lomaxxing

Great question! From the information I could find online, it's unlikely that Mr. T (né Laurence Tureaud) actually ate your testicles, but I can't discount the possibility.

ME: How's it look?

MECHANIC LOOKING UNDER MY IMAGINATION'S HOOD: *wiping hands on a rag* I see your problem. You've been filling this thing up with despair when it's supposed to run on joy.

black and white drawing of an underwater scene. a large bird sticking it's head into the water, surrounded by shocked fish

WHATS UP YOU WET MOTHERFUCKERS

At the punk show clapping politely and hoping no one spills my $10 beer

New roommate: ok, the ground rules-

Me: yeah dude, the ground fuckin rocks

New roommate: rule 1 - no more of that

ever since i was a little kid i always knew i did not want to become an adult no thank you why is this happening

Jude's brother?

I lied to you about something and you nodded! You thought I wasn't lying!
I got you!
April Fool!
You cunt, you asshole, you diz.
Fuck you and your credulous ear. I lied right in your fucking face, and what did you do about it?
You did nothing. Sat there and nodded.
I got you so bad.
Fucker.

Thank Kevin for that.

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

😁

Crockett. 🤠

1/4 ton dumper.

I want a girl with a short skirt and a

Me (texting): Help I'm in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn't have used voice to text

happy trans day of visibility! now more than ever it's important to show up for people in your life regardless of who gets mad about it, because it's the right thing to do.

passivity always favors the oppressors.

COP: do you know why I stopped you
ME: is it related to my crimes

Every time someone corrects my vocabulary it just makes me think fewer of them.

Popped a cap in Sancho's ass, please respond.

Printer is all up in ya and pulling out the D.

You need to calm the fuck down, Mr. Printer. We haven't been formally introduced, and I haven't finished my dinner.

My notification that "Ramona and 1 other" followed me

Oh yeah? Who's the other, Beezus? I bet it's Beezus

Installing point of use hot water heaters is a tankless job

Travis.

I'm about 3 beers away from teleporting to a Waffle House.

The white flag, aka the official flag of the Confederacy

Wishing you and yours a very merry Confederate Surrender Day.

famous music video with first mate schee in the corner

That’s Smee in the corner

ME: What's your favorite root beer?
DOG: *Barqs*