The Usual Suspects

Just sitting here thinking about the one who came from above, suffered, died, rose again, and then ascended to the heavens.

I miss you E.T.!

Misery
IT (2017)

MBJ deserved that so much

My next door neighbor still has his giant Halloween skeleton and associated skeleton animals up in the front lawn. Kinda annoying but also kind punk at this point

Game Night

Shall I compare thee to a fucking jerk

I can't put into words the feeling of watching our government, a hive of evil antisocial filth, the absolute worst humanity has to offer, colliding with the best. Ordinary people trying to help each other, risking everything to stand up for what's plainly, unambiguously fair and right. It's unreal

Fargo

On top of the greatest QB play I've ever seen the week before (vs GB). Caleb has GOAT potential

Do not put another dime in the Jukebox Baby. The Jukebox Baby is an abomination

hello

Wow, even this one?

[Xmas morning]
Santa: I'm back!
Mrs C: Did you see the whore?
S: [sigh] Kids lose teeth on Dec 24th. I'm gonna run into her. You know this

Almost hit Christmas without remembering to reshare my alt version of Baby It's Cold Outside. Enjoy

That song is ridiculous. I had a joke on the old site about the line "the ox and lamb kept time" which is dumb because the drummer keeps time

There are two types of Christmas songs:

1) This sure is a lovely time of year

2) I want to fuck the Santa

Holidays Songs for Life Under the US Health Care System “I’m Dreaming of a Light Sickness” “All I Want for Christmas Is You… to Acknowledge Receipt of the Referral I’ve Sent in Fourteen Damn Times Now” “...

🚑 🎶 "I Saw Mommy Charged Five Grand for Gauze"🎶🚑

💰🎶"Halve Your Wealth to Repair Your Meniscus"🎶💰

🫤🎶"God Rest Ye Weary New Mother (For 24 Hours, Then Please Vacate the Maternity Ward)" 🎶🫤

Checking in with all the kings and queens who had multiple opportunities this Thanksgiving to reference Tim Robinson quotes and did so but managed to hold back on pulling up Netflix to make them watch the referenced sketch and endure the awkward silence

It’s been a year to the day we bought (and then didn’t, for reasons we still don’t fully know) InfoWars. We’re still trying. In the year since, we built The Onion into one of the biggest newspapers in the United States. I’m so proud of this place. I’m proud we do hard stuff. Thank you for caring.

The downfall of democracy started in 1995 when ya'll voted blue to replace tan in the M&Ms. They learned we can't be trusted

reposting here bc it’s only on the other site but…
5 years ago, I worked at Four Seasons Total Landscaping.

Update: The monkey has been elected governor

So I Married an Ax Murderer

I have busted
the ghost
that was in
your hood

and which
you were probably
scared of
and screaming

Forgive me
busting
makes me
feel good

Every golf tip video: "Here's an easy way to stop topping your 3 wood: Make sure 65% of your weight is on the lead foot. Hinge your wrists no less than 22 degrees but no more than 24 degrees. Keep the club head facing the North Star. Then just relax and swing easy!"

Happy National Sons Day to all sons who have joined their family business, allowing it to change its name to [Family Last Name] & Sons. You help keep this classic business naming convention going strong!