>try focusing on what’s wrong with me
>oh my god this sucks this sucks I can’t do this
>try focusing on things outside of me
>HELL I’M IN ACTUAL HELL THIS IS HELL I LIVE IN HELL I CANT DO THIS
>stop existing
>oh okay sick
Let’s have a hot nothing summer
The “I don’t actually exist” theory is looking good this summer
Shoots myself in the foot
Historically this has been the only thing that has worked for me multiple times
If the cycle restarts again and my mother starts complaining to me day and night about our situation fully knowing she has no intentions to ACTUALLY take any action I’m just going to start telling her I’ll kms again
Crazy how everyone is just okay with this now. No one fucking cares until it directly impacts them specifically why can’t we just TRY TO GET OUT. THE CYCLE WILL JUST RESTART AGAIN
Hyde life sim
Maybe if I feel particularly awful one day I’ll go start an argument with my father and see if I can raise the chances of something happening, be that getting attacked or anything else. No one is doing ANYTHING
Hmm
#remembering the time my counsellor told me what was happening sounded like DPDR and then just. Never ever expanded on it ever again. Hi. Hi what. This is ruining my life btw and making me an unperson
We’re NEVER getting out of this situation ✌️ “I told you” so moment number 297574
Getting to that stage where I hold fake conversations between myself and people I know and then get mad about them for no reason
I feel like a fish that hangs around at the edge of the school. Yeah yeah a shark or some other marine predator is going to kill me and everyone ignores and is okay with that fact because I am not worthy like others to be protected in the middle
It actually eats me from the inside out when I think about some things. I should not be able to be known by anyone it’s awful and I can’t take any of it back
Every single day (because every day repeats itself) when I remember over again that I am actually barely a person and face issues that contribute directly to that fact and don’t just make me humorously weird. Like why am I even doing anything at all bruh
I can’t even productively talk about this with anyone because quite literally does extend to everyone I know no matter what and is fundamental to how I conduct myself in every situation. I feel sick at times remembering things I willingly and happily shared with others that I can’t take back
No past no present no future functionally I shouldn’t exist and yet I just do anyway because I have to keep moving towards my predetermined day of death to finally become what I should be
It’s crazy how I AM just a nothing person though like there is nothing going for me in any sense of the phrase. I GOT NOTHING
Like dawg wtf do I even do here I can’t win. For every concrete reason I should throw out the paranoid belief there’s ten more baseless but not easily disproven reasons to continue believing
The three separate layers of my belief system that are like
1. Here is this thing I believe based on constant unending paranoia
2. Hey Buddy you’re being paranoid I’m being paranoid this isn’t true
3. Haha yeah it’s not true, BUT. Haha. IT COULD BE TRUE THOUGH YOU CANT DISPROVE IT SO BELIEVE IT
Okay it wasn’t a post and was actually an image. But yeah. Every day bro
Where that post
I’m probably not a living human being but I don’t have a job so idrc rn. Dude I just looked up the original image in my camera roll to add it and I ALREADY HAVE THIS EXACT JOKE?
Painting that kills you if you look at it
It’s really interesting examining the constant inner battle inside me between the parts of me that recognise how I’m seen poorly by others and feels bad about it, and the parts that believe I shouldn’t care because something inside me makes me better than everyone else. And it never stops actually
So dysfunctional I can’t even decide to put my phone down and go to bed bro what even the fuck. Shut your fuck up
