The man had such blunt stare, that the flower ground itself up to save some time.

I like my coffee raws and wrigglin’.

All you mother fuckers talking Andrew WK get a follow. Take it!

Consciousness probably can’t move infinitely fast across an infinite multiverse. I wonder if consciousness can only cross realities by expending an amount of energy. But how would consciousness refill that energy? Is that the soul? The energy reserve? The wheels that drive consciousness? #quantum

I shit out the number 12 this morning. I can’t be more specific. I don’t know what this means; is it an omen, is it “today is brought to you by the number 12!”. I just don’t know, BUT, I will see number 12 everywhere I go today. #Twelve #shitting
It was literally the number 12! Like literally!!!!!!

clickhole article posting quote from shigeru miyamoto of him saying: "Often I'll see advertisements for porn games and they say, 'Try Not To Cum,' but then when you play the game, it seems like the object is to cum. So yes, I would call that bad game design."

Criss cross like a boss.

No cannon is beneath the petty laws of mankind.

Uncle Ben doing his best Joe Swanson impression:
“Hey Peter”

It was pretty spot on.
#impressions #familyguy #uncleben #heypeter #joeswansonvoice

Sorry. Can’t. Procgen articles and geography thesauruses got me booked up.

People in their 40s. What do you do with your ear hairs? Like after they are plucked?

It’s gonna be pretty nice outdoors today. Gonna get some dirt under my nails.
Me and this sunny spring day are gonna fuck a yard real good. #goodcleanfun

Spider-Man blah blah blah, does whatever a spider can.

“Does whatever a spider can.”

Most people don’t know that was a placeholder line.

#likelystories

Be so high you come up with a Shout part 3. #reefer

Born to puff puff. Forced to pass.

Crazy Frog gets a hold of the the feller in the magic lamp that gives out 3 wishes. What the fuck happens next? (Normal genie shit applies here ). #questions #crazyfrog BRRAAH-BRRUMPIDAH-BRAA-BRAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

🎶 You and me, me and you, both of us laughing people falling down ladders!!!! 🎶
#lastinglove

Legit. Symbiote suit Matilda wouldn’t hesitate to put down injustice. #matilda #marvel #talktoeachother

Don't stop until you can't stop; at that point it's out of your hands. #relax

/remindme right beforehand

Every single day I forget to record even a single fart of mine, let alone every fart. If started when I first thought of it, I’d have months and months of stock fart sounds. I just don’t know where to start. The analysis paralysis for how to catalog is real! I have a studio in my pocket ffs. #isuck

Diarrhea Perlmutter has just the right amount of je ne sais quoi.

Share the load, baby!

Lukewarm take if I’ve ever heard one.

Image of the opening of the movie Matilda. It’s paused. It says Matilda.

This night is about to get prrrettty wild:
#matilda

Moon’s lookin’ incredible tonight. Go look.

Eyyyyyy morels on my walk! #morels #onmywalk

Magna style tablet drawing of a kid in star sun glasses and he is throwing up a peace sign

Woke up on the couch from a nap. A NAP!
This totally proves quantum immortality. Anyway here’s a drawing of my kid who is cooler than your kid.

If you would just start going by the name Mr. Flaccid, everyone would know you aren’t fucking around. #badassnames

QUANTUM MOTHER FUCKING IMMORTALITY

#quantumimmortality