I've entered to win an #NESClassic Edition, join me! http://bit.ly/2fIFK1z #ThinkGeekNES

Spent all day moving, went to unbox my brand new TV and it was broken!! 😠😭 thanks @Target 🖕

5 day weekend starts now!

A small child just pointed at me and called me "Da-da". That's twice this month.

Waiting for my @23andMe results feels like an eternity :(

Do you think Shaniqua ever even lived there?

This week my brother celebrates becoming a father, and I celebrate still not becoming a father. #icelebratebydoinganythingiwantwheveriwant

My cat is pretty good at letting me know there's a roach nearby, but kind of a bitch when it comes to killing them.

Today's workout is fueled by limp bizkit. Thanks Spotify "2000s rock" playlist

That awkward moment when your girlfriend passes out in the middle of a crowded club and you catch her but have no idea what to do...

I'm browsing amazon for a new pull chain for my bedroom light/fan. WTF is my life?

Remember, every mother's day needs a mother's night...

Two days of DOMS from empty bar squats. #imweakagain #justrehabthings #6weeksofinactivity #8monthsofnotlifting

I've said it before, but Athens @tacobell 's are the worst.

I am the baddest of them all

I just preordered one of these: https://share.plastc.com/x/d9HUkM

I don't expect the product to actually kick off ever, but if it does ... it's sweet

Started my new weight-loss program last night - it's working! #foodpoisoning

Guy at Walmart buying valentine's day stuff and a fitbit.... Do I tell him? #definitelynotgettinglaid

10:15am is when everyone in my office has their coffee kick in (and they all have to poo)

I just filled my car up for $15... What the fuck

Too many people at my work are on the same poop schedule

I had a nightmare that I got drunk and shaved my beard. The ensuing emotional trauma has made me late for work.

I didn't think the @tacobell breakfast menu was big enough for them to mess up both items I ordered. #andiwastheonlypersonthere

I've unsubscribed from like 8 email newsletter things today. I feel free. #liberated

I don't trust people who study for exams. If you can learn a whole semester of stuff in 2 days, what other wizard shit are you capable of?

When the caffeine withdrawal doesn't set in till 10pm Sunday night... #throbbingheadache

Searching "Waffle House" on Spotify yields a surprising number of results.

It turns out the kiss of death in my relationships is setting up custom text notifications.

Hey @dbrandSkins do you have any coupons/discounts for Nexus 6p skins? I gotta $ave dat money

Yesssss! #hype