Just a self portrait of me and my dog. It's a cartoon basically. I am bald with a beard and glasses, and she is grey and furry wire fox terrier

Self portrait with dog

I've been paying into one since I was 23 and it will still yield a comically small amount of money cos you are supposed to put One Grillion Pounds in a month

Good spot! Dunno how that happened, it's just a random accidental blank not an edit. It is just supposed to read "The UK's..."

Welcome to the UK’s most zeitgeisty theme park: the Stephen Collins cartoon The ultimate metaphorical experience ride is here …

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle...

1 ‘There follows a public safety message from the Ministry of Taps.’ 2 [Show a moustachioed man in a white coat, standing next to a sink with two taps.] Hello. 3 Here are two beautiful, British taps. 4 Don’t they make you proud? Cold and hot, divided in modesty, as God intends! 5 But in recent years, more and more Britons are using ‘mixer taps’ - a highly addictive form of foreign tap. 6 The great British tradition of washing one’s hands via a weird sort of hot-to-cold dance is under threat. [Show someone doing this dance] 7 The 'mixer' is a gateway tap. One minute you're dabbling with a dual faucet. Next thing you know, you're 'dancing with the fisherman's hose'. [Show one of those big bendy fishmonger’s hoses that people have these days] 8 See here the brain of a healthy, two-tap using Briton: [Show diagram of a brain with two thirds of it devoted to ‘WASHING HANDS’] 9. And this... is the brain of a ‘mixhead’: [Show same brain diagram, but the Washing Hands section is replaced with ‘FOREIGN THOUGHTS’] Remember: Mixing can lead to foreignness and fishmongery. BRITONS: DON’T MIX YOUR TAPS [Ends]

TAPS

*prints of this and other comics in my shop, link in bio 😘

That one was mostly for me, I didn't submit it with all the swearing in and 10 miles long. Sometimes there's just a lot of story and they need very careful editing down!

*original first draft of the script is in the alt text if you're interested. Had to edit it down quite a lot to make suitable for publication

[Scene is a child’s bedroom, at bedtime. Dad is reading a story with child.] CHILD: Argh! Dad! There's something in the corner of my room! DAD [Who is Andrew Garfield because of course he fucking is]: Good lord… it’s… It’s… a small magical Judi Dench! [He’s right, there’s a tiny wizardy elf Judi Dench in the corner] DAD: What are you doing here? SMALL DENCH: I’m here to invite you… to a magical land… …filled with all the British National Treasures that have ever been! [silent pause] DAD: *All* of them? DENCH: Mm. DAD: Cos I’m assuming you mean, like all the British national treasures who haven’t turned out to be non- DENCH: LET’S GOOO! [She whisks them away somehow] [They are now travelling through some magical realm, maybe they went into the cupboard or something] [Mid-trailer titles lettering]: THIS SUMMER... [back to trailer - they are still walking through magical land] DENCH [gesturing around]: A land filled with old British actors your child doesn't know! [We see British National Treasures hiding in bushes, Stephen fry, Joanna lumley, etc] DAD: Look there’s Michael Palin… Jennifer Saunders... Lenny Henry… CHILD: I don’t know who these people are DENCH: This is a special place… a safe place… Filled with all the British National Treasures who haven’t gone mental from social media Or popped up in the Epstein Or just gone turned into a bit of a cunt! [Mid-trailer sting lettering]: BELIEVE AGAIN... DAD: Wait - Simon Callow! What’s that stone you're sitting on ? CALLOW [dressed as an goblin or whatever]: WHYYY… 'tis the Sequel Wishing Stone! Where we all cast our deepest wish... That half the cast aren’t dead before the second sequel. [Trailer ends, Movie title logo:] The Magical Land Of British National Treasures Who We’re Confident Won’t Either Be Dead Or Insane Or Just A Bit Of A Cunt By Release Date - Rated U Dad [quick cut after end of trailer, staring euphorically off-screen]: I still believe! [Ends]

Please donate to this! My sister's partner is a vet and he's running the LDN marathon for Celia Hammond Cat Rescue 🐾

gofund.me/ddb2359c9

They took it off for a bit and I was a tiny bit bereft

Dink dink dinky dink dink a dinky dink

Makes me actually enjoy extending his screen time. I'm an actual Pavlov dog

The dopamine-jag genius of this little animation and tune when you extend your kid's Switch time though

Welcome to the fairytale land of national treasures – the Stephen Collins cartoon Look there’s Lenny, Jennifer, Michael, Judi …

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle...

1 [YouTube style thumbnail title, a la Mr Beast, but instead of humans it’s two POLLEN PARTICLES with faces and arms and legs named BRAD POLLEN and TOM POLLEN and they are doing shocked Mr Beast type faces. Above them the title says]: 20 GOES on the UK’s scariest Water Ride! 2 BRAD POLLEN [to camera]: Hey guys - we’re Brad and Tom Pollen 3 BRAD POLLEN: And today we’re gonna 20 times on the UK’s scariest water ride… in 30 seconds. TOM POLLEN: This is insane bro 4 [Show a MAN sleeping on a blanket in his garden] Built in 1992, Darren Hayes in Exeter has a 97mph sneeze and *total* antihistamine-resistance 5 [Show the Pollen brothers inside a long tunnel, which is Darren Hayes’ nose lining, and they are settling down as if at the top of a water slide. They are holding a SELFIE STICK to film themselves as they go down the slide.] BRAD POLLEN: OK bro we’re in the nose lining TOM POLLEN: This is it 6 [An enormous blast of wind and mucus blasts them out of the nose passage] 7 [Show POV of selfie camera] BRAD: WUUUURGH! 8 [Still on selfie cam, now with blue sky behind them as they have exited the nose] TOM POLLEN: WUUUURGH SPLFSPLSF 9 [Cut to Tom and Brad in a pool of green water on Darren’s belly as if they’ve just come out of a water slide. We can see the top of the slide - Darren’s face - in the background looking groggy] BRAD POLLEN: DUUUUDE TOM POLLEN: That was INSAAANE 10 BRAD POLLEN: It doesn’t even go ‘achoo’, it’s just like this *roar*… TOM POLLEN: Let’s go back in 11 [Show Darren having a sneezing fit] CHAOUGHWW SCHOUGHWWW SCHOUUUUGHWWW 12 BRAD POLLEN: 20 rides, we did it! TOM POLLEN: Let’s go again [ends]

UK's Scariest Water Ride Challenge with Brad and Tom Pollen

Mark Zuckerberg [standing in his normal posh living room, talking to camera]: So today I want to show you our plans... *PING* - a screen appears in the air above Zuckerberg’s wrist Mark Zuckerberg: ...for the Metaverse. Mark Zuckerberg [to his wrist-screen]: Hey Nick Nick Clegg [appearing on screen]: Hey Mark Nick Clegg: You coming to the meeting? Mark Zuckerberg: You bet! [The room transforms into digital lines] [Zuckerberg is now transported to a different place with Nick Clegg by his side. They are in the US CAPITOL during the January insurrection, anarchy unfolding all around them]. Mark Zuckerberg: Wow! Where are we, Nick? Nick Clegg: I think we’re in an insurrection! Nick Clegg: I thought I’d clicked ‘join meeting’ but I must have inadvertantly joined one of the many far right groups being promoted by our algorithm. Mark Zuckerberg: I don’t like it Nick! What should we do? Nick Clegg: Well… Nick Clegg: We could admit our tech libertarian ideals are flawed, change the algorithm which makes us billions, and build a bold new virtual world which brings humanity together rather than tearing it apart and killing democracy. Or… Nick Clegg: We could change our avatars! [They are both now changed into wacky avatars] Mark Zuckerberg: I’M A MOUSE

news that Mark Zuckerberg is winding down the Metaverse is an excuse for me to repost this, from 2021

Oh my gosh 👏

Annually you forget the evil psychology of EGG. "Have another bit of me" says EGG "it might be a bit thicker than the last bit" says EGG and then oh no you have in one sitting eaten all of EGG

The scene is ALEX KARP, CEO of Palantir, sat in an armchair by a fireside with an open children's book. His hair is wild, his stare intense, his eyes shifting round the room. The comic has many panels of silence where he just stares at us intensely. [Silent pause] [Silent pause] ALEX KARP: Hi there. I'm Alex Karp. CEO of Palantir. [Silent pause. Shifty eyes] [Silent pause] And if you're an enemy of America something really bad is going to happen to you. And your friends and your cousins and your parents And you need to go to bed scared and wake up scared [Waving his arms around now] Because the American people don't wanna hear your woke pagan ideology anymore And you need to know that this technology will take power from educated female voters and - VOICE FROM OFF-SCENE Alex... ALEX KARP: Huh [Pull wider to show that this is in fact the set of the CBEEBIES BED TIME STORY and a CBEEBIES PRODUCER is talking to him from next to a camera operator]. CBEEBIES PRODUCER: This is the Cbeebies Bedtime Story [The book Alex is supposed to be reading is on a screen. It is titled: THE TECH BRO AND THE MAGIC BUBBLE] ALEX KARP: I could destroy you CBEEBIES PRODUCER: Sorry [Ends]

tech people used to tell optimistic stories

Scene is WAITROSE CUSTOMER SERVICES DESK. Behind it is a staff member, whose name we will soon learn is BECKY. She is dealing with a customer, for now out of shot, while talking to her manager on the phone. BECKY [on phone]: Yeah, hiya... 2 BECKY: Yes I have a customer here who wants to complain about the Easter eggs. 3 BECKY [putting hand over receiver while addressing the customer stood at the desk in front of her]: Sorry what was your name again? 4 [Pull back to show the customer is a very tall, green-skinned, PAGAN GODDESS, festooned with flowers. Stood next to her is her son, a normal human teenager in a hoodie, who looks mortified by his mum.] PAGAN GODDESS: Eostre the Pagan Goddess of Fertility 5 BECKY Sorry - Your name is Easter…? PAGAN GODDESS: Eostre. 6 [Vicky pauses, trying to take this in]. VICKY: Your name is Easter and you want to complain about the Easter eggs. 7 PAGAN GODDESS: Sorry love, what’s your name? BECKY: Becky PAGAN GODDESS: Well, Vicky - 8 PAGAN GODDESS: If it was you who’d shagged the solar god of the Equinox to give birth to an actual living god - my son Darren here - TEENAGE BOY: Muuum… 9 PAGAN GODDESS: ….only to have all your efforts totally forgotten by history, you’d have a complaint too! 10 PAGAN GODDESS: Aisle four is full of products, with no hint of the true meaning of the festival! 11 BECKY: You mean… Jesus…? PAGAN GODDESS: I mean shagging, Vicky. 12 PAGAN GODDESS: Is it too much to see just a little bit of pre-Christian sex in Aisle 4? TEENAGE BOY: MUUUUM [Ends]

Happy Ēostre!

Prints of this comic (and others) available in my shop - link in bio

hard agree. I would literally run out

Easter Eggs in the Bible BREAD EGG: The first ever Easter egg was hand made from bread by Jesus at the Last Supper. Came with a free Holy Grail and two bits of bread. [Image shows a very rough basic egg made of bread in a box clearly made by a carpenter.] FIRST SMARTIES EGG: St Matthew’s Gospel describes candy-covered rabbit droppings that came “actually inside the egg”, not in a separate packet like nowadays. GOD’S POSH EGG One for the aunties: the first ‘high-end’ Artisan egg made by God himself. Dark chocolate, posh box, infinite cocoa content. [Image shows a posh egg on a cloud in heaven] ROMAN YORKIE EGG: The first Yorkie egg came in a chariot-shaped box marketed at ‘Manly Romans’. Latin wordsearch on the back. [Image shows an elaborate cardboard chariot box containing the egg] EARLY SNICKERS: Snickers used to be called Marathon and before that it was called UNG-ERWEH which meant ‘Fourteen Lashes Unto The Shepherd’. We can see why they changed it! CREME EGGS: According to the Gospel of St Matthew, Cadbury’s Creme Eggs were “absolutely massive” and had “proper chocolate” in 2000 BKE (Before Kraft Era). Scriptures describe a ‘mystery filling’ that gave mild chemical burns. [Show a giant Creme Egg in someone’s hands] SATAN’S EGG: Never one to be outdone, the Lord of Darkness sought to compete with God on the ‘sophisticated’ market. High quality dark egg cursed by Satan himself, with two free bars of ‘loathesome matter’. Withdrawn from sale. [Show an evil looking red egg in a box with ‘666’ on it, two bars of what looks like bloody flesh, blood dripping out of the front.] [Ends]

Time for some hard truths from a tech bro: the Stephen Collins cartoon I have thoughts – you’d better listen

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle...

like wtf? Writers don't use AI to write because... they like writing! AI boosters can understand literally nothing but output, because they've never really made anything themselves

Scene is a young boy and his mum sat on floor of his bedroom. He is opening his birthday presents. MUM: And this one’s from Uncle Pete and Aunty Liz… [unwrap] [We see the toy. It is a miserable looking rabbit character in an open fronted box with 'PRESS ME' and an arrow pointing to its ear.] [Boy presses ear] RABBIT: Bollocks. [the mum and boy look slightly shocked at the rabbit toy] [close up on toy] [Boy presses ear again.] I’m not doing this any more. [Press] I’ve reached the end of the line. [Press] Do you have *any idea* how many times I’ve been regifted? [Press] THIRTY FOUR TIMES I’ve been wrapped and unwrapped. [Press] Thirty-four pairs of disappointed eyes… thirty four temporary homes… [Press] I've seen storage cupboards in Milton Keynes… Home-office shelves in Stoke…. moments lost in time, like tears in rain… [Press] I’m in the *regifting zone*, see… Good enough to gift, but *just that bit* too shit to keep. [mum throws the rabbit over her shoulder into the bin] MUM: It’s broken RABBIT: SWEET RELEASE [ends]

don't think I ever posted this one, it's from 2021

I recall having to visit the least-visited pages on oil companies' websites to get the tone for this. Now it feels like this whole schtick has now been adopted by AI companies and their legions of weird, apocalypse-hungry boosters

1 [Corporate brand ident: ‘Everlasting’ - with logo featuring a green drawing of an apple and a tree] 2 [SATAN walks on in front of the logo] SATAN: Hi there 3 I’m Satan, CEO of Everlasting* [*Formerly known as Hell] 4 and I want to talk to you about how we’re working… [SATAN opens a door into Hell] 5 [We see Hell, burning pit, tortured souls etc] … towards a sustainable future. 6 Over the last 6 millennia we’ve increased our fiery pit efficiencies 7 By pushing more souls in at once… [Souls being poked into the fiery pit by demons] ….with sustainably sourced soul-pokers. 8 Plus we’ve developed state of the art SCT* *Scream Capture Technology 9 To power the flaying machine! [We see the flaying machine] 10 And we’ve even got a page on our website [Satan shows us a screen on a laptop] with a nice illustration and some green writing… 11 about some vague community thing we did in a school. [Show photo on screen of Demons doing STEM lessons with terrified schoolschildren] 12 [Back to logo] Everlasting ⁃ For Eternity - SATAN: [walking off screen] Will that do [ends]

From 2021

Thank you! Glad someone noticed that, took a while to design

[Scene is a TV news DEBATE FORMAT like Newsnight or Laura K. In the studio, NIGEL FARAGE is a guest on one side, and the GOVERNOR OF THE BANK OF ENGLAND is the other guest.] 1 FARAGE: It's simply outrageous! 2 FARAGE: Replacing Sir Winston Churchill on the £5 note with a badger is woke madness. 3 BANK OF ENGLAND GOVERNOR: Mr Farage, I can assure you that I and my colleagues at the Bank of England have listened to your concerns, 4 GOVERNOR: And we have gone to great length to ensure that the badger is, in fact... 5 GOVERNOR: ...Anti-woke. [The £5 note appears on the screen behind him. It shows a badger, with a black military cap on its head - looking suspiciously like a Nazi SS officer's cap.] 6 [Beat of Nigel Farage reacting silently to the image on screen] 7 FARAGE: The badger is anti-woke. 8 GOVERNOR: Indeed! [Pointing at the design on the screen] If you look down the bottom we've included a quote from him... 9 [Close up of the quote at the bottom of the new £5 note, which reads]: "It's not racist to be concerned about immigration, Carol" - The Anti-Woke Badger 10 FARAGE: The badger... said that? GOVERNOR: It's a comment he posted on Facebook. 11 FARAGE: Well he's quite right! It's not - 12 [Farage pauses again, distracted by the image on the screen] 13 FARAGE: What's with the hat? GOVERNOR: He's into history. [ends]

Love #snluk. It's a proper joy. So many highlights but for some reason the running BTS thing on weekend update sent me the most. So clearly written by someone who has gone really deep into bts fandom