March 11, 2020 - think of the Covid risk!

(Adam Sandler voice)

🎶I once went to counseling with Mikey Vrabel🎶

This is smart, no reason to reach for a counselor on Day 1 when you can just grab one of Mel’s Best Available Counselors later on

Great - another 30 Under 30 list I didn’t make

I’m headlining in Astoria Thursday, May 7 at 9pm. Some of my funny friends will be there as well. Hope you can make it!

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Wish I had known the position would be open. Damn

Sounds like a lot of money, but it’ll come in handy if the Titanic ever sinks again

oh damn, she has herpes too?!

My Allbirds shoes telling me to kill myself

Dammit it’s already happening

JD Vance lecturing the Pope on Catholicism

Just when you think someone has hit rock bottom

I’m headlining in Astoria Thursday, May 7 at 9pm. Some of my funny friends will be there as well. Hope you can make it!

qedastoria.com/products/mat...

New Little League coach hats even more MAGA than the old ones

Please no more Saturday games during the rallies

Very funny one too!

I meant Donald not Melania

Borscht was invented in Ukraine. Who wrote these questions, Steven Seagal?

There’s a guy on my plane sitting in first class wearing a Stabbing Westward t-shirt. Feeling a lot more confident about this flight than if it said Gravity Kills

I hope Waymos never become so omnipresent that I stop shouting “Waymo!” every time I see one

Much respect the guy drinking a Michelob Ultra at the Scottsdale Aquarium at 10am. You do you, Arizona!

Not sure how one would pitch this to their wife and/or mother

Well now I know why Puka Nacua didn’t show up for my Seder

Gotta keep the act fresh…

#standup #comedy

Did he have to duck to enter it

I think you should be allowed to challenge anything at a baseball game. If they tell you a beer is $12 you should be able to bring in a robot to tell them it actually costs $6.50.

I’m just gonna say what we’re all thinking: Hack Wilson was robbed here

Ed Schlossberg?!

Fantasy baseball season just started and I already have 2 guys named Jackson on the injured list

Just remembered that these were the parking instructions I got when I interviewed at Real Time with Bill Maher in 2012. Spoiler alert: I didn’t get the job

Woman Attacked by Otter While Watching Friends Compete in Marathon: ‘We Thought They Were Cute’ A North Carolina woman is speaking out after she was attacked by an otter while watching her friends compete in a local marathon.

her friends: “Oh my God! Did you hear we ran a marathon?” bit.ly/3PuD26w