Save us Tim Elko Tim Elko Save us Please

chris getz is keeping tim elko in triple a because he’s giving time for a lisan al-gaib like legend to be created in the city of chicago about this poor guy

andrew vaughn might go down as my least favorite player ever. high draft pick. below average defensively. slow. bad hitter. short. ugly. dumb. negative swag. probably bad politics. as i typed this i realized that i actually hate him. it’s personal

this also implies that some very talented painter sat down at one point and was like “i need to paint roland the farter dealing with the remorse of his fraud career. it’s gonna be some real Heavy Weighs the Crown Shit”

just found out this pic used on tiktok all the time is of a guy named Roland the Farter. his thing was he farted for King Henry II. what do i do with this information. i’m freaking out

stop talking shit about little caesars. elitist nonsense. if you don’t like it you’ve never had it at your divorced dads apartment when you were 9. nothing like it

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posted some old stuff. it’s bad. so bad it’s gonna make me wanna write more to bury it

i’m about to start a substack like an absolute loser. therapist says i have to “regain my sense of self” by “reclaiming my passion for writing.” god i hate this fucking piece of shit. what a fucking tool . making me do shit. (hes completely in the right and i owe him my life)

anne hathaway is actually just rich

i hate the “this is how you age when you’re unproblematic” tweets about some beautiful celebrity. wrong. there’s so much evil in the world u have to face and engage with and stand up to. if you’re a good person by 28 you should have a thousand yard stare and bags under your eyes

every time i see a jonathan cannon sweeper:

say what u will jerry knows how to cut deals

just dropped 20 dollars to watch jonathan cannon go 2 1/3 innings, andrew benintendi strike out 3 times and brooks baldwin run through the fence in right

i’m doing the thing where i just sit and wait for a chicago white sox game to start. that’s when my day starts. which has to be a top 5 most unhealthy ways to live. right up there with heroin addiction

clifford is too big. he cannot function in our society . he must be put down

Thank you! I call it the “Oh My God I’m Scared I’m Going to Die” diet

My reaction to that information (i ate exclusively fast food and got drunk every night):

2023 me when it came to being told i’m developing liver disease at 23 years old:

yea i need to give myself pats on the back every once and a while for motivation. but its a genuinely funny experience to go through your camera roll and be like “yea i look like shit here. posting it.”

Folks: We Are Down One Hundred (100) Pounds (lbs) Today

84 year old boss just called me a “social bowling ball”

saying this if he does catch fire and figures it out he’s by default my favorite player ever due to his overcoming the insurmountable. which is weird vibes

the thing about andrew vaughn is that he doesn’t pass the boomer test at all. not a chance in the world i can see success for him at the big league level. 6 foot first basemen who looks 5’10. bad build. no eyebrows. odd aura. weird vibes. it’s just not working for me

The jerk store called. They voted 11-3 to unionize! Everyone welcome Jerks Local 217

my friends: bro where have u been i haven’t heard from u in forever

where ive been:

coworker failed talking stage to wandering the desert looking for hope and wisdom pipeline

quoted this template from memory

you’re gonna meet a nice girl one day and then she’s gonna see that you have a twitter account where you tweet about the chicago white sox every day and then that nice girl is going to murder you with poison

you’ll never guess what’s happening rn

me: i hate the united states of america

me when asked about the city of chicago: