My children are going to be 18 and 16 this year. What the fuck am I supposed to do with their baby teeth?

The pen is writier than the sword!

How I miss the days when a cough was just a cough and not also a wee.

“Welcome to this, the hotly anticipated final of the World Champion Staring Contest. Who will blink first? Nobody knows!”

Honey bees are a scientific wonder. You only need to look at a hive to marvel at their extraordinary gifts. Can’t find their way out of an open window though can they!!

It’s silent!

Undented tins of baked beans have become as rare as pigeons with two intact feet!

Wait, is Barbie’s real name Barbara?

New Year’s resolution 2022: Learn all the Presidents of the US in order (Done!)
New Year’s resolution 2023: Learn all the kings and Queens of England in order (Done!)
New Year’s resolution 2024: learn all the Prime Ministers of the UK in the last three years in order. (Wish me luck!)

Merry Christmakkah!

Well they’ve certainly made that more complicated than it needs to be! Fill it in people!

It’s beginning to look a lot like I’m not going to be ready for Christmas in time!

I love words that sound like other words. Does that make me Homophonic?

Hey autocorrect, why do you think they’mr and amd are words but fuck isn’t?

I make struggling look really easy.

“To quote oneself is to somewhat miss the point of soliciting other opinions to back up your point” - Lorna Woolfson

I’ve got a Futon allergy.

Me trying to walk in a straight line whilst struggling with Vertigo!

My hair always looks exactly how I want it the day before a hair appointment.

Ch ch ch ch chains #metalbowie

Dear algorithms, I haven’t bought a single present yet. Please stop trying to get me to Christmas theme wheels of Brie!!

I’d like to bring back the death penalty for parents who talk through other kids music recitals!

Careful! It’s more addictive than crack!

You spend the first half of your life living it and the second half trying to work out how the first half has fucked you up.

Ahhhh it’s only middle class women of a certain age. As you were then Greg!!

I wonder how Rod Stewart is feeling about being described as a middle class woman of a certain age!!

Bidet

Crayon
Margarine

Sometimes I like to think of words that could be names if they weren’t words. Todays are:
Debris
Chlamydia
Error
Formica
Faeces
Fertility (for a girl)
Larynx

Say, “I’ve got nothing interesting to say” without saying, “I’ve got nothing interesting to say”.