Oh wow I lost a bunch of followers.

Good for them.

Doctor: What's wrong?
Me: My throat's a little horse
Doctor: *rolls eyes* I better not find another fucken horse when I look in your mouth..
Me: *tiny horse noises from throat* Haha don't be ridiculous..

Papa Smurf: More like "Garglemuh Balls" ya fucken chud!
Gargamel: *stirring cauldron while trying not to cry*

me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]

Friend: Damn what happened to your face?!
Me: I got beat up for throwing ass at the club
Friend: That's not a big deal
Me: That's not what Farmer John said

*a horse walks into the bar*
Bartender: "Hehe this is just like one of those jok-"
*the horse kicks a hole in the wall and tramples the trivia DJ*

It’s inaccurate to say Mario is brave and Luigi is cowardly

Luigi is afraid of death, so he runs away from danger. Mario is afraid of living, so he runs towards death. Both brothers are cowards in their own way

Okay I looked it up. “ligma” is a bigoted slur against Protestant folks.

Don't bully the Gingerbread Man.

He'll crumb

Drummy Thicc

Cowards, that's who.

Me: They really worked me to the bone this week!
My Roommate [who is a skeleton]: Man shut the fuck up.

I've had trust issues ever since I found out about figs hiding in wasps.

It must be really tiring for porn stars since they can never take a load off.

Please, Mr. Piss-Baby Lord of Diaps was my father. Just call me Lord of Diaps.

Bartender: Why the dong face?
Horse with a regrettably phallic nose: Okay, rude.

The jury finally found that ornithologist guilty of murder.
They had the birdin of proof.

Me: *being mind controlled by my cat's poop parasite* "GEE I SURE COULD GO FOR 100 POUNDS OF CANNED TUNA RIGHT ABOUT NOW"

Ain't nobody on this website anymore huh?

Screenshot of a website with the text, "Making an onion wet mount" with a YouTube url beneath

*sweating heavily, tugging at shirt collar* "Oh gosh oh jeez"

Friend: Oh wow I haven't seen you in ages
Me: Yeah I'm a soupermodel now
Friend: A supermodel?
Me: *guzzling minestrone* Yuh.

All the kings' horses
And all the king's men
Couldn't give a shit about Humpty Dumpty

The P in ESPN stands for Piss

You went to Costco for breast augmentation surgery?
Great quantities of great quantitties.

i am done with Self Care It is time for Others Harm an animorphs style photo of a blond girl turning into a cheetah

Her: Do that thing I like
Me: *animorphs into a large sack of rocks*
Her: Nice Gneiss

Most guys who complain about the lyrics to WAP suffer from DAP (Dry Ass Pecker)

Wife: *holding up 4-leaf clover* Oh wow! This means I'll have good luck!
Me: *holding up 4-beef clover* So what the hell does this mean?

Ancient Human: *sees a horse for the first time* "Yo who the fuck Super-Sized this creepy dog?!"