Hobbies are awesome. I've started screaming at the sun.

Cardio exercise is important to do so you can identify what dying feels like

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved…the economy

By age 22, Einstein had already discovered that groove was in the heart

telling my adorable daughter i'm not putting the drawing she made on the fridge because it's toddlerslop

Thanks to technology, bananas are becoming obsolete as pretend phones. The future belongs to the Pop-Tart.

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going for a long walk is okay. Abandoning society is okay. Moving into a cave with a family of raccoons is okay. Giving them tiny swords & shields is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Told the barista my name is "It's gonna be okay." She keeps saying it. I'm on the floor crying

“Can I explain this gap in my resume? Uh, YEAH…I was dealing with a lot of clone bullshit during that time!” I snarl to the interviewer (who is one of my clones).

I need to spend more time with fewer people

First date idea: come and pick me up at the airport

C S Lewis: The lion

Publisher: King of the jungle, like it

C S Lewis: The witch

Publisher: Evil magic, nice

C S Lewis: And the wardrobe

Publisher: The what now?

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

sometimes, if you’re up early enough, you can hear them turn the birds on

This meeting could’ve been a karate match

elton john: hold me closer, tiny dancer
tiny dancer: uhhh ok
elton john: count the headlights on the highway
tiny dancer: what
elton john: lay me down in sheets of linen
tiny dancer: huh ?
elton john: you had a busy day today
tiny dancer: no i didn’t
elton john: blue jean baby
tiny dancer: stop

BREAKING: punxsutawney phil has fled the country

A Shih Tzu is just a dollar store knockoff of Sun Tzu.

We had it right the first time. Frankenstein, the doctor, WAS the monster.

For years, I thought DEFCON 5 was more serious than DEFCON 1, and I'll be honest: a lot of people died