Glad to see you’re over here. Everyone over on X is saying .:. blah blah blah … followed by some nonsense about your acting abilities

You have to be a real loser to parody a parody

Ended 2025 the same way it started. With six inches — and no it’s not what you think. It was a six inch long needle in my spine. Good times

them: hi

me: QUIT SMOTHERING ME

If you received an invitation to the tigers’ New Year's Feast, please be aware that you are the feast.

Cannibals are the only true planet friendly people

Los Angeles took one look at all the assholes planning to hike on New Year's and decided she was going to treat herself to rain.

To each his own fries.

2025 was like a shopping cart with a bad wheel.
It wasn’t easy, but we managed to push through.

BLIND DATE: i can’t wait to meet you

ME: (a vegetarian) the fuck you say to me

*whispers* i think they know

ever since i was a little boy, i just knew i wanted to be a forty year old divorcée with a secret diet pill addiction.

I dunno man, today just feels like a waste of my business pyjamas

my 7 yo grandson is on the spectrum. He was non-verbal for the longest time but lately he has found his voice. Not words per se but noises. Very loud noises

Been the loving grandmother I am, I gifted him a karaoke machine for Xmas

Long story short — he loves it and my daughter isn’t speaking to me

all I’m saying is a lava lamp would be much better with real lava

Today I used the Kasa App to turn on the lights in my living room.

Later when I went to bed I realized I had accidentally turned on the air conditioning in my bedroom.

Back story — it’s -21° here with a wind chill that makes it feel like -27. Certainly not air conditioning weather

I guess it’s better than “buy one get zero”

first person to eat an orange: this is disgusting!

first person to peel an orange: you’re not gonna believe this…..

first person to eat a banana: what’s going on here?

You know you’re getting old when you start buying condolence cards in bulk

Am I the only one who finds a slide of pizza from a small pizza tastes way better than one from a medium or large?

😂

If you want to find out if someone is ticklish, the first step is performing a testtickle

Takes garbage out to the bin at 2am with smudged eyeliner

Me seeing raccoon: don’t fall in love with me kid
I’ll only break your heart

almost died last year when I fell into an automatic upholstery machine. I’m ok now tho. In fact, I’m fully recovered

me (bowing): thank you your majesty

cashier at Dairy Queen: please stop coming here

that awkward moment when your new dog turns out to be a kangaroo

my foolish neighbour thinks I won’t notice he’s hiding an elephant in his bushes but I’m on to him!

Oh wow! My mom always bought me amaryllis for Xmas too. She’s been gone 15 years so now I buy them for myself. I’ve never thought about planting the bulbs in the summer. Hopefully it’s you too late in the season

lol good point!