I know the threats of ending civilizations lately have been stressful as we teeter on the edge of WW3, but I’d like to thank all the Instagram girls that posted clips from Coachella. It really helped me pull through the week.

Does the brightest white emulate from vanilla ice? Or is there something brighter?

Hoping the administration takes it’s focus off these foreign entanglements and put it back on things it’s really good at, like taking rights away from women and scapegoating other minorities.

I think if Jesus knew what he was up for over the next 2000+ years he would have taken a few more days off up front. #Easter #HeHasRisen #Rizz

Did you hear about the quadruple amputee that fatally shoot another man? That's pretty hard to believe right? Turns out the gun shop that sold him the gun only hires blind employees.

I just flew over here after my colonoscopy appointment, and boy are my arms tired.

If you ever want to freak out your suburban neighbors, don't put your garbage out on garbage night. Live a little.

The Straits of Hormuz have closed down. But the Gays of Hormuz are open for business!

If I was Canada, I'd take over Cuba like right now.

This probably isn't the best time to bring this up, but Clint Eastwood outlived Chuck Norris.

I'm still trying to get my brain around the concept of a micro-dose.

I'm short on financial assets, but I have enough plastic silverware to survive the next economic collapse.

I'm starting to realize that if you get really, really high, it's hard to keep track of what you're doing.

I don't think I could ever become a Supreme Leader of a theocratic state. Not because I wouldn't be a great dictator, but because I've never been able to grow a full beard.

Do I have a can of soup tonight for dinner? Or should I ration my canned goods to make it through the war?

Kristi Noam is fired and kicked to the curb like a dirty, dead dog.

She'll do fine in her next role as President of the Noem Doggie Obedience Training and Death Camp franchise.

The word quagmire will be making a comeback in 2026!

Names like Ayatollah Khamenei never came up in my grade school spelling bees.

If I had to be serious for one moment... I don’t know about you but Kim Thayil opened the door for me to Vernon Reid. And Vernon Reid opened the door to everything else.

But think of all the nice hotels and golf resorts we can build when we get done bombing the place to pieces. It's going to work out great.

Trying to time my next large purchase 29 days out from an international financial event that wipes out the global economy.

Most of The State of the Union has been an obituary so far with a little bit of hockey babbbbbbyyyyyy!

Tariff everything and everyone! You get a tariff, and you get a tariff, and you get a tariff!!

If we've learned one thing from the Epstein files it's that the ultra rich and power players ignore each others background checks.

Water into wine may have worked 2000 years ago.
But coffee into cocaine is today's miracle.

Hoping to make it through my next Zoom call without someone getting shot at by an ICE agent at point blank range.

If ICE has a softball team, they must be a real bunch of pricks.

I try to use humor to be funny.

I’ve been living life on the edge recently. Tonight I did a load of laundry without using fabric softener—and let me tell you—that static cling is no joke.