as a legacy media political commentator I must contend that urban voters are to blame as urban voters are fully autonomous and morally culpable for their words and actions while rural voters are irrational beasts who only react to stimuli and are thus fundamentally blameless in all things

Crazy Larry the bald cardinal

well I think Crazy Larry looks like shit. I think his tinder matches don't message him back because he is BALD and hasn't repeatedly smashed his beak with a hammer so it heals back more masculine/fucked up

getting my golden retriever taxidermied so I can still wipe BBQ sauce off my hands on it

asking "is this satire?" when my gf says she's breaking up with me

they should make a weed strain that gives you horrible anxiety and also actually does make you feel that way forever

green cheeked conure cuddling up against the auburn wingtips in my shoe rack

Finn seems to have developed a romantic attraction to my wingtips. I do not approve of their relationship!!

filling this hat with gasoline and heading to the state fair

I am ashamed of all my students' tea

*skips you like a stone over a pond until you disappear over the horizon*

I am tired of all the abuse I have received from the taco bell corporaiton

getting rated 2/5 on wikifeet was the wakeup call I needed to start taking footcare seriously. proud to report I'm now up to 3/5

that super tall man creepin up behind a gal in It Follows

outta my way lady i gotta write Jurassic Park

Tanguy Destable sounds like "Orange Man Bad" translated sequentially into each language and then back to English

being sent back in time to the year 2000 and immediately killing myself because I can't live in a world where microwaves don't have the "add 30 seconds" button

asking "is this satire?" when my gf says she's breaking up with me

naming my son "Goofus" and being shocked and incandescently pissed off when he don't act right

people are going to come after you for this but you're correct and I will protect you

she has not liked any of my reels

Instagram of three boobies AI woman

it seems I've been followed on Instagram by an AI generated woman with three breasts

green cheeked conure Finn after flying into the shower while I was showering. he is very pleased with his untoward actions

this buffoon is too wet to fly

[me]: and where the fuck do you get off saying my face and demeanor are that of a sexless depression era clown
[randybobandy1995]:

recognizing the animal in a foe's "when you’re being mean to me just know this is who you’re being mean to" post and not understanding the post isn't literal and heading to the zoo to irl bully a baby rhino

I feel like the guys who try to watch porn at the public library are old fashioned and much more likely than the gen pop to not use modern sites or search terms and instead actually type "playboy" into the address bar. so the library in particular really needs that firewall

Finn the green cheeked conure licking at a glass of iced coffee, which if actually consumed would kill him!

might I have a sip of the drink that kills me

I could see frog and toad being in their 40s or 50s as we know them so this could be their canonical 20s

go ahead put me in timeout i have passive income

hope the poor woman got a good payout out of this. also I bet if they spinned her just 10% faster she could've flown to the hospital herself

the depressing mcdonald's play place

drunk at 12:09am using the depressing mcdonalds play place tablet to file my taxes

my daughter dislikes her stepmother just because her stepmother is evil. hope that doesn't cause too much friction between them especially since I was planning to die soon

growing out my fingernails for the guinness world record so they're all revoltingly long gnarled and filthy except for my right index and middle finger which I keep trim for the ladies ;)