You can get free flowers for your lady at almost any nearby cemetery.

I wonder if those kids from that commercial in the mid-90s ever shook their addiction to phonics.

Molto ED device, looks like you shove it up the butt

I hope if/when I get ED, there are technical advances over this.

So much of my life is consumed with looking at porn that I wonder if something is wrong with me.

But I note the categories and wonder, “Jesus Christ, what’s wrong with THOSE people?!”

One day, future Americans will drill honey from the ground. With the faintest aftertaste of dead grandma.

I’m more surprised he claims to have written a letter.

Is there a sport you don’t watch?

I would kill every tree in Middle Tennessee if I could.

I’m starting to think he might not be the smartest President.

Betsy and I are casually acquainted, but even if we weren’t I’d have this podcast on my “Local Podcast” list.

Give it a listen.

Instead of investigating your own reporter, you should’ve said “our reporters will do whatever/whenever/whoever it takes to get a story!”

if you own a mask or a suit made of human skin, you should always travel with that in your carry-on. Checking it risky.

After meals, how many Fartimis jokes were made?

I like playing hockey, but as your gloves get old they stink to the point it can’t wash off.

My hands smell like I’ve been double fisting Donald Trump after a round of golf.

I don’t try to pick up women because I always have superhero briefs and t-shirts under my clothes.

I’m not sure what quality sex a man in Underoos is going generate.

This leech cobbler sucks.

You never hear about Jedi mime tricks because they can't make the "whoosh-whoosh" sounds of a light saber.

Fussing at an employee to quit working on a holiday.

I platonically love my staff more than is healthy. I'mma be sad to retire.

I have a left arm injury and now a right hand injury. Both minor. I’ll be fine in a few weeks.

But…uh…*me time*…is going to be on hold for a little while.

Guess now I’ll find out who my REAL friends are.

I don’t know why people get into grave robbery. Have you ever dug a hole? There’s no way you can recover enough property to make that labor worth it.

If I were a woman, every April fools day, I would borrow a toddler, then go visit a boyfriend from the past couple of years, and say, “I have some news for you!”

Did “Chili’s Babyback Ribs” win a Grammy award that year?

If not, they should give it special recognition next time.

I’m a cyclist, not a bicyclist, though I do not care about the proclivities of other cyclists. Ride who you like.

Is the character from the song “Do You Love Me?” being sarcastic?

Is he on the lawn of some woman doing jacked up versions of the Mashed Potato and The Twist like an epileptic stalker?

Do people who get visible tattoos of veiny wieners or buttholes plan on never attending a funeral, wedding, or baptism again.?

Props to the commitment.

After beer league last night, I was showering when I noticed an up and coming Banksy scribbled "Fuck yuo" in Sharpie on the wall.

Apparently my tax dollars aren't helping this dyslexic kid's education.

Next option is a cocaine.

I don't know how many coffees equals a cocaine.

I pronounce it Vee Vitch.

I don't know where I'll be when it happens, but when he leaves office or dies, let the record show, my social media post is meant to be, "The end of an error."

Usually I only see this on websites featuring “step-moms”. But more commonly she’s stuck in the dryer.