Haha wow he must be good

There is no one more energetic than a toddler five seconds after they recover from a virus.

I try my best to entertain my kids but I’ll never be able to compete with a neighbourhood squirrel eating an apple

Every time you hear another parent at the playground saying 'ok but this is the last one' a piece of your soul dies

If I see someone I know walking down the street, I need to be 100% certain I know who it is and 150% certain they know who I am. Then maybe I’ll give a subtle nod or say a quick hello. My 6yo sees a friend a block away, starts waving his arms in the air and yelling “HI ASHLEIGH!”

I bought a friend's grandkid a teether that said "I laugh at Dad Jokes"

Big kid asks "what's a dad joke?"

"you know, like when you say 'iiim hungry' and dad says" hi hungry, I'm dad"

"so a dad joke is a joke that's not funny?"

After your kid has a bath, you should always make sure you check if the ceiling is wet. This was not something I knew that I needed to check for.

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, "What I dooed?"

🎶
My own two kids are killing me
I must confess, they will not sleep
When it’s their bedtime I lose my mind
Just close your eyes
Fall asleep, it’s your bedtime!
🎶

I told my husband to watch our toddler closely while I was out as he'd been particularly wild that day and as I was leaving I swear I heard my husband muttering to himself, "I don't feel safe".

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

It's hard to imagine life without them now 😂

Rule #1 of the parenting code: it is now acceptable to use baby wipes to clean everything

I asked my 6yo if he knew what he was doing and he said no, but I’m not allowed to say he doesn’t know what he’s doing “because that’s horrifying!”

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is

Every morning my kids play this fun game called let’s slam the door on each other until one of us loses a finger.

I told my husband he can’t do yard work every weekend because we need to make memories while the kids are young, so now apparently we’ll be cleaning out the gutters as a family next weekend

Screencap from 30 Rock of Kenneth with a wide eyed expression saying 'my house is full of white cockroaches'

Parents: Nice to meet you, this is our little darling

Kids:

Sure I get out as a mom, just this month I’ve seen the pediatrician, the pediatric ENT, the pharmacist and urgent care

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn't work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

I’m convinced all toddlers trained at Cobra Kai. They strike first, they strike hard, and they show no mercy.

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him "please be gentle with that." He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

Sorry, I can’t, I’m busy planning a bandaid intervention for my kids

Used this car wash 15 times this summer and my car is still filthy.

Giving my 4 year old one star, but will still use again because she works for popsicles.

I was sitting on the couch and had both kids snuggled on top of me. They must have thought I was mommy or something.

The baby's favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, "the babies." We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

Screencap from Schitts Creek of Moira screaming while standing by the closet holding a coat hanger with the caption '(hyperventilating) (agonized schriek)'

When your toddler realizes you went to the bathroom without them