many people are saying #OnionHireJazz

YOU - Where the hood, where the hood, where the hood at?

SHIVERS - HAVE A BROTHER IN THE CUT. WHERE THE WOOD AT?

I'm feeling attacked...

Ok, is it just me, my dated computer, the fact that I got it on the high seas, or is the driving in Cyberpunk 2077 actually as shit as I think it is?

Absolutely perfect to announce this on 4/20, no notes

Make a mockery of the name. Comedy is legal once more.

... Anyone want to send me a few bucks so I can have some McD breakfast as a treat since I'm already up this early? Please?

Trans fem who waits till she has bottom surgery to change her name because then she's No-Nut November

Oh goddammit autocorrect. "Undead blurry version of alive" lol

Oh, you mean what animal.

I mean, fair point, but I'd say the comparison holds pretty true for a given kind of animal. Sure, a shark will come off as more evil than a hamster, but undead mummy version of either would likely act pretty similarly to the evil version of the same animal

Sentence structure failed me, but I didn't want to say undeath was an abomination or inherently evil or even a mockery, just a rough facsimile of life

If anyone would like to help me stay *fed* for that week, cash app link is in my bio

This is after Gma stayed with us for a week, pushing me back onto the recliner that hurts my back to sleep in, and just generally the stress level of the house was basically a hairsbreadth from catastrophic.

I cannot fucking wait to have the house to myself for a week

Ok, in about six hours, my mother and grandmother get on a plane to fly across country so Mom can help Gma move into Aunt's new house there.

Animals are not evil, but if "animal that died horrifically by drowning in a bog and then was preserved and became an undead blurry replica of advice" isn't texturally and behaviorally indistinguishable... I gotta wonder who's writing it

... Meanwhile on Tumblr, I recently had to wonder if some new short or lore dropped that made it canon or at least all but explicitly said so

Getting that shy autistic boy so hopped up on caffeine she starts jittering, call that a vibrating egg

Profile of the nose section of a B-17 bomber painted in olive drab and gray. Under the cockpit is a painting of a pinup-style lady who happens to have a guillotine for a torso. There are arms in the sleeves of a military jacket extending from the sides of the guillotine frame, one is holding an empty basket and the other is saluting. Below the hole where heads go sides wearing a short, pleated, olive drab skirt and her legs, covered in gartered nylons are curled up under her. A discarded crown is upside down behind her. In front of her across the nose is text reading ‘Maybe it will happen today’. Much of the rest of the nose is covered in mission markers but instead of bombs they are small images of guillotines.

"Look, I'm not saying it's a smart idea, I'm just saying I'd probably trust FitGirl with my life, let alone my system"

"Is the anti-religious elite in the room now?"

I just learned that his first (big?) video was literally just him counting to 100,000 so he could make money while watching GoT, and the smile suddenly makes so much sense

And I want a pet utahraptor I can ride to the store. I think mine might actually be more feasible.

Is there any chance the antifungal was expired?

Alternatively, vampire who turns into a swarm of cockroaches

Other trans girls into blasphemy: "I'm a succubus, teehee"

Me: "I'm more of the kind of demon that you'd see in something like a Doom boss fight if Doom got its visual language from HR Giger. But, sure, I like sex. I'll also fuck up someone who poses a threat to me or mine."

Flesh-bound demon reporting to offer these services

Tempted to start using an abs'lute clustafook of an accent just chocka with rippa signifiers to rilly do ya loaf in.

How do you turn regular water into holy water? Boil eight hot dogs in it, then let it cool.

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Pope Leo XIV theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-int...

Broke: "Scott Pilgrim is just like me, for real"
Woke: "Damn, Scott's a prick."
Bespoke: "Ramona probably owns *some* of the blame with some of her exes"

Making fetch happen

There's a chance they spoke to one trans person, who gave them a bullshit term, and they happened to come up with "egg" on their own when thinking up other answers