CHIROPRACTOR: (checking chart) Has anyone ever tried twisting your head off?

Asked my therapist if I could read his notes from our last session and it was just a drawing of my face with a line through it

one time I accidentally brought a pizza to a gunfight instead of a gun and we ate the pizza and resolved differences until the last slice of pizza was up for grabs and a gunfight broke out

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

Makes them think, twice

ANGEL: Are you sure?

GOD: (turning more water into wine) *hiccups* GIVE THAT FISH A SWORD FACE!

(bragging to buddies)

You should see the other guy.

The other guy is married with kids. He's happy. It's been ten years since the fight.

Isn’t she married to Justin?

Just climbed out of the sewer

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?

ME: Have you?

DENTIST: (sweating) THIS ISN’T ABOUT ME!

BREAKING NEW: Trump considering pardoning the remains of Jeffery Dahmer, claiming the guy was just hungry

Hangin’ out the passenger side of his best friend’s ride

Listen kid you wanna make it in the mime biz you better stop speaking up, and start thinking inside the box.

I got that dog in me (I’m scared of the doorbell)

Sorry, Adam someone did it better

I’m gettin swole this year, gonna stick my head into a beehive.

If someone tried to serve me this abomination, I’d throw myself off a roof.

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

I don’t just clap when the plane lands, I clap the entire flight.

Listen gang I don’t “need” the money but I’ll “take it”

I see what ya did there

On your first day of prison go up to the biggest guy and pay him a compliment. It doesn’t cost you anything to be kind.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don't judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

KID: I’m a brat!

WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

Two guys standing in front of a barn with the tagline "We're REAL CHEESE people"

Has science gone too far?

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir, I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

doctor: your blood glucose is over 800

cookie monster: is that bad

doctor: sir it's deadly

Cookie Monster: (softly) me want cookie