Just saw somebody who is like right in the center of the triangle whose corners are Keanu Reeves, Shia LeBeouf, and my friend Etan

The very funny thing with responding to “how’ve you been?” with “I finally figured out what’s wrong with me!” is that most people will instinctively react with something along the lines of “there’s nothing wrong with you, Eli!” Incorrect! There’s plenty wrong with me

It's gotta be so demoralizing working for the New York Times. You spend days diligently re-reporting a week-old regionally published article you're pretending doesn't already exist only to open the op-ed section and see "Mongrel Sterilization Is in the Constitution" by Trevor M. Swastika.

Weird Duck Time is the best season

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Update: it did. Yay!

Good enough for me!

Does this involve the same secret ingredient as your cookie recipes because if it does you’re getting a sale tonight my friend

Wait, we have weird birds here? Aw man, I’ve been missing out

I must have THE CUBE

Good takes on video games, good recipes, and your several swords