nowhere feels like home

I wonder where I'd be if I knew that being an adult would be this lonely and monotonous

I have such wonderful friends that I feel bad that I'm basically giving up on myself. but, I really do strongly believe that I got really unlucky throughout my life and now, I get to live with the consequences of my actions! the best parts of my life already happened and they weren't even that good

new relationships. not even out of self sabotage—people don't usually see me as someone much more than "oh they happen to be really good at a game" and I'm too forgetful and anxious to continue pursuing a friendship. I don't have any goals to work towards because I can't muster the energy to anymore

really, the worst part about all of this is that I know that it will all be the same no matter where I go. already met someone who broke through my defenses but I couldn't meet their needs and thus they left, so... that idea is out, too. I could meet new people, but I've been so bad with keeping

I guess that's the effect of people telling me "things will get better" for most of my life and. well. somehow it ended up not being in the books for me. I've been upset over it long enough to take that as "oh, well, sucks to suck ig"

my life truly feels like a doomed run sometimes. soft locked into oblivion

I'm sure desirability (and the lack of self worth) is a factor as well, but I've thought about my body plenty for one week already

so, instead, i've decided to just disassociate from my body. rather than being a part of /me/, it's something more like a vessel that i have to take care of in order to do what i want. not exactly the healthiest mindset to have, but, it's better than what it used to be

the hair doesn't help, for sure

sigh.
a lot of my problems do stem from having body hair. when i first shaved my legs, it felt freeing to finally have smooth legs again. but because i can seldom keep the routine up, it becomes a large mess every time and i just simply cannot be bothered

(of course i like being called a girl more, but i digress)

i've also been someone who absolutely hates showing skin. it's a result of how strict my family was about that with women (even if i grew up not having to adhere to that), as well as just hating the feeling of having skin exposed at all

might be helped by the fact that i dont even recognize myself at all sometimes lol

and, after all the emotional turmoil, i'm at a point where i don't really care about how i look irl. if someone "bro"s or "girl"s me, i just kind of brush it off. it's a performance that i don't care to act anymore

my body now is in a funny in-between of androgyny. i've encountered people pausing before trying to gender me. sometimes my voice gets high and soft enough for people to call me ma'am over the phone. i see myself in a reflection and even i can't tell my own gender sometimes

once i started transitioning, i didn't get hormones until i reached my 20s, so all i could do was occasionally put on something colorful and look like ass LMAO. but i did have friends into makeup that were super happy to try putting it on me. not only was the makeup fun, i also liked bonding over it

so, in other words, i was okay with it until puberty Lol

i wanted my voice to be deep, but once it started getting deeper, i wished i could go back. even now, i kinda wish i was able to keep the same kind of voice i had before puberty hit, even if people made fun of me for it

my relationship with my body has always been a strange one. before transitioning, i was pretty okay with it until i started growing hair everywhere, especially my face, and before i even *learned* about the standards when it came to that, i just hated the feeling of having body hair

shrinking one's self serves no purpose but to remain passive until conflict arises, and then one either lacks the agency to advocate for themself or explode into smithereens when someone raises an issue with them personally.

in either case, people will be hurt. one must relax and let be

so, then, i end up feeling alone. my guilt overwhelms to the point of inaction, because, in my mind, no matter what i do, it's futile. the fear of hurting others once again links back to that fear of abandonment. loneliness begins to invade the mind, and it perpetuates until, eventually... yeah.

when ppl do get hurt, i've already thrown out my rationale, but the guilt starts to steep in my consciousness with nothing to counteract it. i end up forgetting why i did something and focus on the effects that it caused. i can't apologize because i don't remember why i did it.

it's all. so. bad.

i've already shrunk myself significantly--it becomes difficult to gauge just how much my actions will ripple across a given area. "why does anyone care about what i say/do" becomes a false justification for impulsive decisions. "i'm no one" is absolving myself of the gravity of my actions

and if that isn't bad by itself, when i do shrink myself, those who might be a bit more "forceful" with their language end up triggering a threat response, even if it's in good faith. the rationale is thrown out, the short term memory dissipates, and all i'm left with is the urge to protect myself

my fear of being perceived, whether positively or negatively, is so strongly linked with that fear of abandonment. it feels as though any attempt to make a connection becomes futile because, in the end, "they'll abandon me like everyone else." relationships are lost because i'm too scared to speak

something i'm beginning to realize is that, out of fear of abandonment, i will shrink so drastically that i'll hardly have a presence to prevent myself from imposing on others. as it turns out, doing that only serves to /fuel/ my fear of abandonment as now ppl have to go out of their way to find me

i go on with my day as if nothing happened except for the lingering feeling like i had forgotten something important

sometimes i come across a vague memory of something i used to obsess over, oft connected with a friend i no longer talk with, and the utter panic of forgetting chokes me out as the walls close in and while i struggle with the claustrophobia that is the mind in which i live in, it all stops

but it is what it is and I can't stand living like this anymore. I don't know what exactly I'm going to do yet, but, what I do know is that I don't want to be alone. I'll start taking steps to ensure that for myself, eventually

and, now, if I'm going to be spending the next however long alive, I just don't want to be alone. as much as I adore my friends, no one can commit to keeping me company like my family can. instead, it feels like they've become less available, which, circumstances change and the timing is unfortunate

I don't care about how my family perceives me anymore, because they know that they can't stop me. or maybe it's more that I know that, deep down, they just want me to be happy. they've relaxed a lot of their restrictions on me after I fought tooth and nail. they're starting to soften up

and, so, the prospect of going back has been attractive. I wouldn't have to pay rent, so I could schedule more days off. I'd have more money to visit friends instead of relying on them to visit me. I'd have my family and my cats to keep me company. I could just exist freely.

isolation I showed when I was in school—unable to play video games, unable to be creative, and preferring to sleep as much as I can—are manifesting, except I'm riddled with much more weight of trauma while having no sense of direction on where to go. carrying a boulder with no end in sight