Thank you! We'll put this on the docket for the next congregation of the standards committee

Today on April 13th I propose the new American Standard Job. Any American can elect to take the Standard Job in lieu of a role in a specific trade, field, or industry. It is a 9-6 program:
• 3 hours: emergency
• 1 hour: lunch
• 2 hours: progress
• 2 hours: desperation
• 1 hour: serenity

(already thinks moose are the size of a house) Holy shit

I am Steven Sonofgod, but my stage name is Deeply Restorative Sleep. In my former life as a physician, I was target of a malpractice lawsuit for my use of razor clams in the operating room. No jury yet has accepted that the clams went untouched during the procedure and so could not have been harmed

(establishing credibility in the electronics section of the walmart supercenter) They don't know me in the candy aisle, not near the cereal neither. I'm arm deep in the DVD bargain bin weekly. You know I'm always having them unlock the games, xbox, nintendo switch. And I'm NEVER in the candy aisle

I find that exposure to the elements increases the quality of my tea. After drying, I like to spread the leaves out somewhere in the suburbs, where the neighborhood coyotes are drawn to the pleasing aroma. However, this approach isn't without its flaws. I have been mauled viciously

ORB: "This person is not yet a portal", "This person is not yet a portal",

As I wander group-to-group at this party, my mystical orb conveys insights that guide me in how best to navigate the social landscape. "This person is ignorant of portals", "This person has middling interest in portals", "This person cares not for portals"

Ancient Wisdom has fallen into desuetude; ignorance and folly pervade the public. We will fix this by creating a system of tradable property rights over Wisdom Artefacts to distribute Wisdom decision-making to stakeholders. And enforcing these rights with summary violence.

I like to open two tabs and use logical deduction to find out which one lies and which one tells the truth. The downside, of course, is that this doesn't usually work

They respectfully put back the sandwiches they'd stolen before leaving with the rest

How I yearn to tell you about my oath of secrecy... but alas, my oath of oath of secrecy secrecy forbids it

Many would know the sting of regret for such a thing. But not the sting of the bee, which could barely be felt,

My dream is for the "small bees" dying out to be considered an environmental crisis down the line... and for all to live in fear of retribution for their scorn

A, and rightfully so

Today I think I'll invent the "small bee", a bee 1/60th the size of a common bee. And its honey will be so sweet as to quell the maelstrom of a spurned heart... and exact revenge upon its malefactors

Ever since they imprisoned me in the eternal chamber, I've realized that what I used to love most about life was not being confined to a chamber for all of time. That said, I do now quite enjoy the daily minute of total focus I'm allowed by my keepers

Please consider purchasing a One-Minute Total Focus branded minute timer

My name's Gargantuan Miller, inventor of the One-Minute Total Focus method. Thanks to the OMTF program, millions of people are now enjoying one minute of total focus every day - and so can you. Why wait? Your minute of total focus can start right now

Customer,

This email is regarding your database, which doesn't currently meet the 𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗶𝗺𝘂𝗺 𝘀𝗶𝘇𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗶𝗿𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁.

To address this, you can add rows with simple strings like "TRUTH", "LOVE", or "EQUANIMITY".

Failure to comply by the listed date will result in 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗶𝗺𝗺𝗲𝗱𝗶𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗼𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗳𝗮𝗺𝗶𝗹𝘆.

Lately I've seen notes outside the maintenance closet complaining about the odor in the stairwell. That stink was decided by management months ago and cannot be changed. Actually, that's a lie; the stink comes from the rats nesting there, which I will not remove due to our bond of mammalian kinship

What up, name's Gregory Culpable... but on the streets they call me Allergen. Here in the studio working on my fat new album Christmas with Granddad. In school I learned the elements, but now I smoke tremor and slurp crude, I move different, I slither different, I made up a new one called Lithuanium

As one of eight real wizards in Mensa, I can say it's actually very rare for intelligent wizards to wield staves (that is the plural of "staff"). The high-IQ wizard almost always prefers a wand for the convenient form factor. Also we've deduced among ourselves that a stable, happy childhood is in no way a prerequisite for cognitive/magical ability, and may in fact harm your chances of joining our ranks.

It's important not to get all your daily caffeine from the same source. If I'm coffee in the morning, I'm tea in the afternoon. If I'm tea in the morning, the tannins make me nauseous, so no afternoon coffee for me. And this is the way of things

Can't say I care much for that to be honest. Or anything else

(pulling you aside at a party) Hey, I know it feels like you have to say all that funny stuff, but you don't. You don't need to be such a joy at this party. No one's making you. You don't have to be so gracious with others or treat them with such humble dignity, seriously

Your Honor, as much as I would love to "do it normal this time", I believe the medium of dance is vital to my defense

"Chrome will relaunch in 56 minutes" Thank you for telling me that, but beings like me operate on the scale of millennia, so please don't take offense if I seem unmoved by your small affairs

My favorite thing about a book is when it "doesn't overstay its welcome". This is because of my overall hostility towards books

In the warehouse, I found out the tasks I take to most naturally are what the others call "monkey work". Someone will often shout "Monkey work!" and I'll rush over to be of some help. This is all fine, except I've heard them call this "scurrying", which does not square with my professional ethos