Went to an open house today and, look, I don’t wanna tell anyone how to do their job but… I do have one, maybe kinda big note for the realtor…

No one expected this, but CSPAN just produced the best short film I’ve ever seen. Laugh, cry, then walk into the ocean… #America!

Oh, so that’s how Putin snuck into the White House…

The sad part is this joke still works no matter which creature in the photo I’m referencing.

Remember if Jesus sees his shadow this weekend that’s 6 more weeks of ham. #Easter

AMERICANCER

Oh no that’s like half a CEO!

Trump’s always complaining about how he’s treated so unfairly. And the thing is, he’s right. If he were treated fairly, he’d be rotting away in a prison cell. When’s this guy finally gonna get a fair shake?

They must never meet

The entire purpose of the government now is to ensure rich people get richer at the expense of everything else. That’s it. Nothing else matters. They will destroy and murder anything that gets in the way of this soulless pursuit. Also we’re outta toothpaste I gotta run to cvs.

—Life, 2026

All movies should start with titles saying if it’s part of the AIR BUD universe or not. It doesn’t have to have anything to do with AIR BUD, but watching, like, TRAIN DREAMS and knowing that somewhere during all this there’s a dog out there playing basketball? I mean, wow. Really reframes things

Watching the gas prices go up in real time thanks to Trump’s illegal war as GOLDEN AGE plays on the radio is excellent writing by the aliens producing our simulation

We are ruled by a small Christofascist minority who gleefully traffic in death and destruction just so they can enrich themselves while trying to distract us from the fact that their leader is a prolific child rapist. Also we need more bread so I guess I have to go shopping.

—Life

I’m just glad congress isn’t alive to see this

I feel like I made this dumb bit a year ago but we finally aired it last night. Enjoy some people with unfortunate names

One of these is a joke I made a week ago. The other is real life. Boy that gap is shrinking fast.

My God he has to have every award. #Westminster

Shit I’m too late, what’s he cost now?

Congress must be rolling in its grave

It’s always, “Sir, your fly’s down,” never “Sir, your fly’s up.” Let’s try to be more positive this year, yeah? Thanks

Come here, big tits...

If Life Was Different By One Letter

#Art

If life was different by one letter

Goddamit. The exact plot of DIE HARD just happened to me. So annoying.

“I’d sure like to slide down that gullet and get turned into piss.”

— Water when it sees me, I hope

“I remember when I got my first one, my father - who was also a chef - reminded me: You never wash these. Soak it a bit, but no soap. Let all that grease, spice, the odd sticky spots from who knows what at this point - let it all stay and just keep using it. Trust me.”

-Thomas Keller, on dildos.

Fuck.

How could I have been so blind?

#EpsteinFiles

If LL Cool J has taught us anything it’s that LL Bean stands for:

Ladies Love Bean

This is also true for sandwiches.

“J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets!”
— Saddam Hussein’s last words

Q: How comfortable are you w/Trump seeking to eat children?

MIKE JOHNSON: Uh, I don’t know the details. I just read it. I know he believes he’s owed a flesh sacrifice. What I heard is that if he eats them, he’s gonna consider giving the bones to a dog. They attack him for everything.*changes topic*