[watching the Olympics, mouth full of chicken tenders]

FASTER, YOU PIECE OF SHIT

you’re vegan? that’s nice. i’m not but people hate me too

When we were kids you didn’t care what someone’s generation was called if they were old enough to get you beer or weed.

being passionate for someone simply by way of the essence of that person >>>

i always take the high road

it's the best place to drop rocks on people

When I stop at a crosswalk to let you go. I expect to see some hustle. Knees to chest bitch

I am the hamburger of helpers.

Missed connection. It's just as well.

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we're haunted. Again.

As a kid drugs hadn't been invented yet, instead we were warned of CANDY FROM STRANGERS, which meant every morning I had a butterfinger candy bar for breakfast given to me by a nameless old man.

Twenty thousand colleagues under the sea

I’d say my house decor is going for meth house raided by cops chic.

You only live once, unless you're some sort of time wizard bear monstrosity, I guess.

Everything is dumb EX-specially me.

I woke up on the wrong side of the dead.

I just got cold-called by a cemetery. What do they know??

My monolith brings all the druids to my yard.

Of course my clothes are black, sometimes it’s about sending a message.

A walking conglomeration of every song I’ve heard, book I’ve ever read, and likely some of the lies I was told.

For me, being a patriot just means mastering the art of great American pot roasts.

Wait are all my posts about alcohol