"Donald Trump has comedic timing rivaling that of Don Rickles" is some insane shit to print anywhere, let alone as news.

Such a wonderful side-effect of this is now all of the historic clips of Jones will retroactively be him wearing Onion merch.

The guy handing out FBI Director Punisher challenge coins is an immature drunk in way over his head? You don't say.

With Krash Patel and Pete Kegseth at the wheel what could possibly go... Oh. Right.

Join The Onion Don’t just read the news. Feel it. Be among the first to feel the news.

Fun fact: The Onion's acquisition of Infowars was an almost 2-year long process that cost a shit ton of money.

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Already a 2x subscriber (one was a gift for a friend) but will always support them!

I see what you did there Ale--errr, Tim. Congratulations to you all on this momentous onion-flavored endeavor.

It is absolutely shameful (and frankly unbelievable) how utterly cowardly the 4th estate have been. I myself offered thousands of dollars to journalism outlets to give me credentials to ask direct and straightforward questions of this administration myself since barely anyone else is. No takers.

If you're an elected official bragging about your healthcare right now, you are a piece of shit that's deliberately trolling.

This is Krash Patel Stage 3.

This douche is trying desperately to hang on to relevancy and it ain't working.

Ah yes, the pillar of peace and definitely not zealotry Benjamin Netanyahu.

The FBI would investigate this threat but the director is passed out drunk.

These garbage people just can't help being gross in literally every aspect of their lives.

Here’s a list of the allegations that Patel claims are false and defamatory:

The Streisand Effect might end up with a rebrand after this.

See also: Elon Musk. He's smart about a few things but is profoundly stupid on literally everything else. If you ever listen to him talk at length on a subject outside of his expertise, he is clearly a very stupid person trying to SOUND super intelligent.

#USDemocracy #Pinks

"We haven't found anything alarming" == "We are fully aware of what's going on and are involved."

Yeah dude if you know exactly what's happening of course you won't be alarmed.

We need to talk about these very obviously fake pro-democrat accounts running rampant on BlueSky. Everyone likes getting followers, but something sinister is happening. Cute girl, often Asian, face obscured/looking away from the camera. Few/no posts. Lots following, few followers. Nonsense username.

I wholly endorse this message. (I'm a vegetarian but can still get down with chili.) Except without cheese. Love chili, love cheese, but together it creates something unholy. I'll take extra onions over cheese.

Only Trump could make Iran seem like the good guys.

Senator Warren your work is appreciated but efforts need to be focused on reforming democrat leadership. If you are not actively working to replace Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries you are ignoring real problems.

Current house/senate democrat leadership is a slap in the face to the entire country. If you are not actively working to replace Schumer and Jeffries you are part of the problem.

Save helium. MRI with a friend.

His Nazi buddies won't be impressed that he's (allegedly) part brown person. That said, I believe Bovino is as much Cherokee Indian as I am Klingon.

It's too bad @schumer.senate.gov is a garbage human being that sucks at his job. It's time for newer, younger D leadership.

If this isn't a war then I feel like the Department of War has no business being part of it HEYOOOOOOO.

Everyone is mentally begging him to stop saying "regime change." Only a matter of time someone pulls him aside like what was so obviously done with "war."