At Neon Pines Mall, shopping is a journey and the destination is also shopping and we have simplified the experience by removing the journey

If you see someone who looks exactly like you, we recommend shopping separately from them

Yes, the fire doors are frozen shut, and no, all that screaming won’t make this go any faster

We don’t have the Criterion Closet, but we do have the Troma Dumpster

We are working on maintaining wheelchair accessibility but according to soil scientists our foundation is sinking sideways into the earth at eleven inches per year

We are aware of the Demogorgon

Has your Shar-Pei seen better days? Come on down to Neon Pines Pet Grooming for a complimentary waddle smoothening

Please do not spit into, off of, or up inside of anything

Congrats to 12-year old Ricky Dawson on winning the door prize at Video Heaven and receiving five unrestricted minutes in the Adult section

We will open at our normal time tomorrow unless the Rapture leaves us understaffed

RELEASE THE LIST! Santa’s Naughty List, that is! Christmas is just three months away!

Your next career path awaits! Service Merchandise is looking for an Accounts Receivable clerk who isn’t easily squeamish to start ASAP

We are aware that some of you have peanut allergies so please don’t come here today because everything has peanuts in it

Land’s End is now carrying hip, edgy denim. Too edgy, in fact, because they denied January 6 happened and are now facing heavy criticism

Please refrain from throwing your Food Court trays into the elevator shaft

For the (lucky!) 7th time, Neon Pines will be prominently featured in tonight’s episode of Dateline

We have been informed that our Back To School decorations have frightened several children and military veterans and will be removed

Radon-Free Since 2033 (estimated)!

We will have the alarms and sprinklers turned off within the hour, thank you for your patience

“I refuse to pay alimony for those bastard developments.” – Happy Birthday to Victor Gruen, creator of the Shopping Mall!

Our Blockbuster is still open

Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe and James Dean weren’t friends but Deck The Walls doesn’t know that so they’re all in every painting they have

Get ‘classy’ with Back-To-School savings on all bulk fart spray at Spencer Gifts

A reminder that the ferns in the atrium are artificial and you shouldn’t be eating them even if they weren't

Noodle Kidoodle is currently on lockdown

The official name is ‘Spiral Wishing Well Coin Funnel’ but regardless it should not be urinated into

Neon Pines has always had a mask-wearing policy due to what is locally-known as ‘The Incident’

Sagebrush’s clothes are so casual you technically cannot wear them inside of Neon Pines due to our Appearance Policy

Beefsteak Charlie’s is your one-stop shop for a bun-plopped chop

Do not attempt to approach any members of the Rock-afire Explosion and call security immediately