Paddy finds a mirror in the street, looks in it, and says, "Blimey, I know that face from somewhere!"

Murphy grabs it, looks in, and says, "You idiot, Paddy, it's me!" 🪞💁‍♂️🙆🏻‍♂️🙄🤦🏻‍♂️🪞

A shop assistant fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun.

Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.
🙆‍♀️🏪🤑🛒🤦🏻‍♂️

...Fuk me l've just seen 2 deaf Lesbians walkin down the road, with their hands down each other's knickers...
I think they were Lip
Reading.

The little shit next door has just challenged me to a water fight.
He thinks I've chickened out but I’m just waiting for the kettle to boil 😂

My friend Phillip had his lip removed last week.

Now we just call him Phil.

So I was doing a crossword in the pub and said to my Scottish mate, "I'm stuck on this one: "trapped on a desert island," eight letters, starting with M."
He said "It’s Marooned."
I said "oh ok, I'll have a pint of lager then please!" 👍😁

I forgot to pay my monthly Scrabble Club subscription..

Now they're sending me threatening letters.
🔡🫣🔠

A woman got stopped in a supermarket today for buying 10kg of ice cream, 31 tins of fruit, 3 boxes of wafers and 3 litres of raspberry sauce.....
the security guard accused her of unnecessary stockpiling.
He said: “You have enough ingredients in your trolley for a month of sundaes”.
🍧🍓👮🍒🤗🍇🤦‍♀️🍊🍨

My girlfriend laughed when I told her I was building a car out of spaghetti.

You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
🙆‍♀️🏎️🤗🍝🤦‍♀️

I pulled a fairground bird at the pub last night, she asked me did I want to go back to her’s for a good time…she wasn’t kidding I went on the dodgems, waltzers, ghost train and came home with a fucking goldfish.

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep last night.

I got to 500 then lost interest so went back home and got into bed.
🐏🐑🛌🤦‍♀️😙😴🤗🙆‍♀️🐏🐑

Just had a detective knock on my door saying he was looking for a man with one eye.

I told him if he used both he'd probably find him a lot quicker.
🏠😗🕵️‍♀️😁🏡