If men wrote romance books for other men:
Have you been moisturising? You look younger today,” she said without a hint of irony.
The comment, simple as it was, felt nice.
He farted deeply and deliberately.
“Good one.”
She chuckled.
I think I heard that crack in the ground that starts fights with people’s mothers say the same thing
Is making cartoons glamorous? Yes it is.
Is all of this money and fame changing me? Well, let's just say I've nearly saved enough to go to the dentist, so… you tell me.
My tombstone will probably read something like “too smart to be a dog, too dumb to be a human.” Something like that.
Haha true
Living with a labrador is a lot like living with a drunk guy at a party…
They’re your best friend.
They’ll randomly yell at stuff.
They breathe their hot, stinky breath on you when they’re telling you a story.
They eat whatever’s there.
They’ll crap on the floor and feel quite bad about it.
You gotta give them little fellas a thrill 🔥
My theory on manifestation is this: if infinite universes exist, and enough versions of ourselves are manifesting something good, then we are the positive creation of our other selves. I, however, like to imagine my other selves shitting their pants to keep them grounded. Stay humble, fools.
When your dogs find a space-cake!
Does anyone else’s wife give them the big pitch about why moving the furniture around will be good for everyone?
*Every cult leader ever*
Cult leader: So what’s the core belief of our sacred new order?
Guy: Uh… devotion to our divine purpose?
Cult leader: No. What? No.
Polygamy. That’s literally the whole point.
How are you confused right now.
Two years ago I couldn’t give my plastic bags away, now when I see someone with a plastic bag I’m like “damn, how’d you get one of them?!”
Like fine wine
I assume the best part about having a young son is someone finally thinking you’re packing a huge Hogg
Everyone makes fun of the old men posting bad selfies as profile pics but, the fact is, they’re more free than any of us.
People are more stressed nowadays because we have to return phone-calls. Back in the day, you could just say, ‘Did someone ring? I have no idea. I’ve been listening to cassettes on my Casio Walkman.
I love middle eastern food. I guess you could say I’m a hummus-sexual.
[Wife comes home and finds something wrecked]
Me, to the dogs: Just shut up and let me do the talking...
I started working out so I’d look good if someone saw me through the crack in my blinds. My body improved, but no one was watching—so I left them open. Still nothing.
Long story short, I’ve been arrested for public nudity.
No force on Earth is stronger than two dudes hyping each other up to do something incredibly dumb.
They say a glass of red wine a day is good for your cholesterol.
Two beers can reduce the risk of heart disease.
One shot of tequila will aid with digestion.
Put down the fruit smoothie—you’re wasting your time.
At some point when you’re living with a Labrador, you kind of accept that you’re probably eating a bunch of dog hairs every day.
I’m an expert at drawing cat faces.
Working hard to get that bread but it's just an end piece with freezer burn.
Dance like nobody’s laughing
Surely I’m not the only person with one of these!?
My dogs are pretty happy hanging around me and my dinner but not once have they offered me any of their kibble
😮
It’s his arse, right? I bet it’s his arse.
